The One With Chandler and Monicaís Wedding

Part I Written by: Greg Malins
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time weíll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?

Phoebe: Why?! Whatís happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)

Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.

Monica: Old?

Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.

Monica: Thatís much better.

Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)

Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?

Monica: Weíre gonna pick up the wedding dress then weíre gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)

Ross: Ah. Joey youíre-youíre having lunch with my mom?

Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)

Ross: (To Chandler) Yíknow what? Actually Iím kinda glad theyíre leaving Ďcause uh, I need to talk to you about something.

Chandler: Whatís up?

Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.

Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. Iím buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.

Ross: No, itsÖIts not that. Umm, now what Iím going to say to you, Iím not saying as your friend. Okay? Iím-Iím saying as it as Monicaís older brother.

Chandler: But youíre still my friend?

Ross: Not for the next few minutes.

Chandler: During this timeÖare you, are you still my best man?

Ross: Nope.

Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?

Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldnít be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monicaís older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? Iím-Iím-Iím serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) ComeóHey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? Iím-Iím not kidding here!

Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.

Ross: No problem.

Chandler: So are weÖfriends again?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You wonít believe what Monicaís older brother just said to me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]

Rachel: What Ďcha doing Mon?

Monica: Iím making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.

Phoebe: What are they?

Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my brideís maids dresses wonít get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I donít have my something blue.

Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things Iím responsible for!

Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.

Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didnít get the part?

Rachel: The commercial?

Joey: No!

Phoebe: That play?

Joey: No!

Monica: That other play?

Joey: Nooo!

Phoebe: The movie?

Joey: Yes!!

Phoebe: Ohh!

Joey: Yes thatís the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then yíknow, we called the Great War. It really was!

Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

Rachel: Oh thatís great!

Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You canít start today! Todayís the rehearsal dinner!

Joey: Oh no, Iíll be done by then.

Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!

Joey: I know! All right, Iíll see you guys over there! Iím off to fight the Nazis.

Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.

Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)

Phoebe: Go ahead.

Rachel: Youíre gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)

Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?

Rachel: Mexico?

Phoebe: Yes! Very good.

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]

The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! Weíre ready.

Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)

The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Weíre ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby heís playing Vincent.

Joey: Iím doing my scenes with you?

Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.

Joey: Wow! I canít believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!

Richard: No I didnít.

Joey: I think you did.

Richard: I think I lost. Three times.

Joey: UhÖCookie?

The Director: (approaching) Okay! Weíre about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys donít mind, can we run it a couple of times?

Richard: Yeah, sure.

The Director: Okay, all right. Letís do it. (He walks off.) AndÖAction!

Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!

Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)

Joey: (wiping his face) What?!

Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!

Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!

Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!

(Joey wipes his eye.)

The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?

Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uhÖI thóI thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Yíknow? Heís uh, heís a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)

The Director: I donít think so. Letís take it back to Richardís last line. (Walks off.) Action!

Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]

Monica: Honey, we gotta go!

Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Hereís a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.

Monica: (laughs) I donít have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.

Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow weíll be getting married?

Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.

Monica: I just, I canít believe that we made it!

Chandler: Well you donít have to sound so surprised.

Monica: Iím sorry butÖnothing.

Chandler: What?

Monica: WellÖhonestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.

Chandler: Honestly? Me too.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. Yíknow I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and Iíll go allÖChandler. But nothing has.

Monica: Ohh, Iím so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean itís really, itís made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!

Chandler: Okay. Iíll be right there.

(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)

Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If youíre calling before Saturday, youíve reached Monica and Chandler. But if youíre calling after Saturday, youíve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!

(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]

Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.

Chandler: Weíre the Bings.

(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)

Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Well IÖI told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)

Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)

(Chandlerís Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)

Chandler: Hi.

Mrs. Bing: Chandler!

Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (Sheís wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)

Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon thereíll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)

(Monica and her parents walk up.)

Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.

Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) Itís lovely to meet you.

Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?

Mrs. Geller: Jack!

Mr. Geller: What?! Iíve never seen one before!

Monica: Dad! Thereís Ross (points), why donít you go talk to him?

(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)

Mr. Geller: I didnít even have a chance to act as though Iím okay with it!

Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!

Chandler: HiÖdad.

Monica: Hi Mr.ÖBing.

Mr. Bing: Nora!

Mrs. Bing: Charles.

Monica: It-itís so great to see you both here.

Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Arenít you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?

Mrs. Bing: Donít you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]

Mr. Geller: Öof course you can kick his ass son.

Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyoneís ass you want too.

Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)

[Cut to Monica.]

Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandlerís dad and try to keep him away from Chandlerís mom?

Rachel: Yeah! But I donít know what he looks like!

Monica: He is the man in the black dress.

Rachel: Man in the black dressÖ (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! Iím Rachel! Iím a friend of Monica and Chandlerís!

Woman: Iím Amanda.

Rachel: Oh I get it! AÖmanÖduh!

Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyoneís attention please? Iím uh; Iím Ross Geller.

Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.

Ross: DadÖdad, please! As I was saying umm, Iím Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and Iím the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, sheís the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if youíd all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple weíre here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.

All: To the Bings!

(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]

Monica: All right, Iím gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?

Rachel: Iíll do it.

Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?

Rachel: I said Iíll do it!

Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, Iíll do it myself.

Rachel: Monica! Iím not gonna screw it up!

Monica: Yíknow what? Youíre right, Iím sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.

Rachel: Well of course that is what Iím here for!

Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)

Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]

Joey: Hey! Where have you been?

Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.

Joey: Oh.

Ross: What? Are you going back to work?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Nice shades.

Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I wonít get spit in the eyes, yíknow?

Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!

Joey: Great! All right. Iíll see you later. (He starts to leave.)

Ross: Hey, whereís Chandler?

Joey: Uh, I think heís in Rachelís room. See ya. (Exits.)

Ross: (going up to Rachelís closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesnít see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesnít find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?

Rachel: Sheís steaming her dress, why? Whatís up?

Ross: I think Chandlerís gone. (He hands her the note.)

Rachel: What?!

Ross: He left that.

Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica Iím sorry.

Phoebe: (walking up) Whatís up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica Iím sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!

Rachel: Yeah but, maybe itís not what we think. Maybe itís tell Monica Iím sorry IÖdrank the last of the milk.

Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that heís changed his name, yíknow? Tell Monica Iím sorry.

Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!

Phoebe: Donít be so negative! Good God! Isnít it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachelís apartment) right now?!

Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?

Ross: LookóOkay, Iím just gonnaóIím gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you donít find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!

(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)

Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]

Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (Heís holding a script.)

Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!

Richard: Just the last two pages.

Joey: All right.

(They go onto the set.)

Richard: I found the picture!

(Heís still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)

Joey: Picture? What picture?

Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.

Joey: Okay uh, look I know youíre a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuffÖ

Richard: Oh, thanks.

Joey: But youíre spittiní all over me man!

Richard: Well of course I am!

Joey: You know youíve been spitting on me?!

Richard: Thatís what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)

Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didnít know that.

Richard: Great!

Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]

Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?

Gunther: No. No, I havenít seen him.

Ross: Oh damn!

Gunther: Heís getting married tomorrow right?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Donít worry. Everythingís fine. Weíll uh, weíll see you tomorrow at the wedding.

Gunther: I wasnít invited.

Ross: Well then weíll-weíll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (Theyíre sitting by the window.) What-whatÖwhat you guys doing here?!

Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought weíd see what all the fuss is about.

Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.

Ross: Why?!

Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)

Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!

Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.

Ross: What? Your-your list?

Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list thatóof people weíre allowed to sleepÖ

Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know Iím looking for him?

Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know Iím looking for her.

(Ross points at him and exits.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]

The Director: Action!

Richard: I found the picture!

Joey: What picture?!

Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!

Joey: You went through my personal property?

Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!

Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!

The Director: Cut! Wonderful!

(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)

Joey: Great scene yeah?

Richard: Oh youíre awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.

Joey: Thanks a lot.

The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Hereís your call sheet for tomorrow.

Joey: Oh, Iím-Iím not working tomorrow.

The Assistant Director: You are now.

Joey: No! No! I canít! You gotta get me out of it! Iíve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)

(The AD walks away wiping his face.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said thereís still no word from Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh man.

Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.

Phoebe: Okay. Well thereís one down.

Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) Iím getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I donít care because todayís my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)

Phoebe: Yíknow she might not even notice heís gone.

Monica: (re-entering) Iím gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)

Rachel: God! DonítóWe canít let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait sheíll be in the gown and then he wonít show up and then sheís gonna have to take off the gownÖ

Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You canít do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)

Rachel: Iím sorry. Iím sorry. Itís justÖItís just so sad!

Phoebe: Yeah, but youíve got to pull yourself together! Monica canít see you like this! Then sheíll know somethingís wrong!

Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) Thereís no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?

Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, thatís gone too. This is Monicaís bathroom right?!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: No-no! I-IÖI found one.

Rachel: Okay.

(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?

Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)

Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesnít show up!

Phoebe: Oh hereís a whole bunch.

Rachel: Oh, I mean sheís gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Yíknow? Then sheíll have to come back here and live all alone.

Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and itís positive. Monicaís pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she wonít be totally alone.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandlerís bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: I know! Monicaís gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?

Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.

Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And Iím still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)

Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.

Phoebe: Right.

Rachel: Okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?

Rachel: No. Why?

Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Anything?

Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasnít heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandlerís parents again!

Phoebe: You told them he was missing?

Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think Iím interested in them.

Rachel: All right, weíve got to tell her heís gone. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We canít!

Rachel: Ross, sheís gonna start getting ready soon!

Ross: Well, canít you at least stall her a little? Iíll-Iíll go back to some of the places I went last night.

Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?

Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?

Rachel: One hour.

Ross: Give me two.

Rachel: Then why do you ask?!

(They all go into the hallway.)

Ross: Okay, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Okay. Iím going with you.

Ross: Why?!

Phoebe: Ross, youíre tired. Youíve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.

Rachel: All right, Iíll see you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how youíre going to stall her?

Rachel: Iíll figure something out.

Phoebe: All right. Good luck.

Rachel: Thanks.

(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandlerís.)

Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought weíd start with my make up and then do my hair.

Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.

Monica: About what?

Rachel: UmmÖ Iím never gonna getting married!

Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?

Rachel: No Monica! Iím serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.

Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.

Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.

Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]

Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasnít supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. Itís my best friendís, and Iím officiating so I really canít work past four.

The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We canít stop filming just for you. Itís not like itís your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)

Joey: Iím having surgery!

The Director: What?!

Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didnít want you to worry about me. But, Iím having surgery today.

The Director: What kind of surgery?!

Joey: Transplant.

The Director: But youíre supposed to work on Monday.

Joey: Hair transplant.

The Director: But youíre not bald.

Joey: Itís not on my head.

The Director: Look Joey, thereís nothing I can do. Besides, youíre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weíve just got one short scene. Itís just you and Richard, and God knows heís a pro. Youíll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.

Joey: Hey! Youíre here! Great! Great! Great! Letís get going buddy, weíve got a scene to shoot!

Richard: Iím wearing two belts.

Joey: Are you drunk?

Richard: No!

Joey: Yes you are!

Richard: All right.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]

Ross: We are never gonna find him! Heís one guy in a huge city!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)

Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!

Phoebe: He could be in disguise, yíknow.

Ross: Aw, yíknowÖYíknow, maybe weíre-weíre just approaching this all wrong. If youíre Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think youíd go?

[Cut to an office building.]

Ross: So this is your office?

Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I shouldíve hid at the gym!

Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!

Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that Iím related to Monica. How is she?

Ross: Sheís fine. She doesnít know youíre gone. And she doesnít have to know, okay? Now come on, weíre going home.

Chandler: No! No! No! I canít do that!

Phoebe: Why not?!

Chandler: Because if I go home, weíre gonna become the Bings! I canít be the Bings!

Ross: Whatís wrong with being the Bings?

Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!

Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?

Chandler: No.

Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

Chandler: Itís not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybodyís! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And Iíve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I donít race cars! I donít make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.

Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.

Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but Iím afrÖItís too huge.

Ross: Yíknow, okay. Youíre right. It is huge. So why donít we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler: Well yeah, but thenÖ

Ross: (interrupting him) YeahóNo-but-but-but-but! Weíre just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, thatís not scary right?

Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And thatís every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes againÖ

Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel Iím sorry! I have to start getting ready! Iím getting married today!

Rachel: I know. At dusk. Thatís such a hard time for me.

Monica: (getting up) Iím gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel: Okay. But wait!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Letís go to lunch.

Monica: I canít go to lunch!!

Rachel: Right.

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)

Rachel: Oh good God! Iíve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)

Monica: (entering) Whatís going on?

Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what Iím about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.

Monica: Okay, youíre-youíre really freaking me out.

Rachel: We canít find ChandlerÖ(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)óĎs vest. We canít find Chandlerís vest.

Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!

Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean weíre gonna have to keep an eye on it, yíknow make sure we donít lose it againÖ

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Donít scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: That can be arranged.

(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)

The Director: Letís reset.

Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!

The Director: Letís take it from there.

Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? Itís going terribly slowly.

Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And Iím the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?

Richard: Of course! Iím-Iím sorry. I-Iíd hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!

Joey: Thank you. Thank you.

The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!

[Scene: The Hotel, Monicaís room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]

Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?

(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)

Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.

(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)

Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!

Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.

Rachel: You look so beautiful.

Monica: (starting to cry) Iím so happy for me.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello?

Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?

Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everythingís fine.

Joey: Damnit!

Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?

Joey: Iím still on the set!

Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!

Joey: I know! Iím sorry! The guyís drunk, they wonít let me go until we get this.

Rachel: Oh my God! Iím gonna have to find another minister.

Joey: No! No, Iím the minister! All right, look-look, put Ďem both on the phone, Iíll marry them right now.

Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.

Joey: Hey! Donít you hang up on me! Iíll marry you and me right now! I have the power!

(She hangs up anyway.)

[Scene: Chandlerís Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]

Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasnít so scary, was it?

Chandler: No.

Ross: Iím telling you, just a little bit at a time.

Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, whatís the next little bit?

Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like youíve done everything else!

Chandler: Yeah. Youíre right. Hey I-I can do that.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)

Ross: WhóHeyóWhoa-whoa, where, where you going?!

Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)

Chandler: Oh fresh air!

(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe youíre overreacting! You do that yíknow.

Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, yíknow. I mean thereís no way Joeyís gonna make it in time. So Iím gonna through the hotel and see if thereís any other weddings going on.

Phoebe: Okay. Oh but donít tell them Monicaís pregnant because, they frown on that.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and heís so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]

Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {Itís a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (Heís wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?

The Rabbi: I donít know. Are they Greek Orthodox?

Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. TheyíreÖtheyíre-theyíre my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.

[Scene: Monicaís Hotel Room, Chandler and Monicaís parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?

Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.

Ross: He-he was with me umm, weíre playing a little game, yíknow? Hide and seek.

Mr. Geller: You canít ask us son, thatís cheating.

Ross: (pause) Youíre right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.

Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He canít see the bride in the wedding dress.

Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, itís not bad luck then.

Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isnít good luck.

(Monica enters.)

Ross: Oh my God! Monica!

Monica: I know! Hey, howís Chandler doiní?

Ross: Great. Heís doing great. Donít you worry about Chandler.

Monica: Are you okay?

Ross: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, youíre-youíre sweating.

Ross: These-these are beads of joy.

Monica: Oh thatís sweet. Donít touch me.

Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both go out into the hall.)

Phoebe: Whatís going on?

Ross: Chandlerís gone again!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!

(Ross just glares at her.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]

Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guyís hammered!

The Director: Iím sorry Joey, as long as heís here and heís conscious weíre still shooting.

(He walks away and Joey does Rossís fist thing. He then enters Richardís dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)

Richard: You wouldnít happen to have a very big fork?

Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. Thatís it, weíre done for the day.

Richard: Well have we finished the scene?

Joey: Yeah! YouÖyou were wonderful.

Richard: As were you.

Joey: So I got your car, itís right outside.

Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?

Joey: Thatís what you told me.

Richard: Oh, thank you. Youíre welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)

Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a firemanís carry and carries him out.) Here we go.

Richard: Is that my ass? (Heís looking at Joeyís.)

(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)

[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]

Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!

Chandler: What?

(Ross runs over and tackles him.)

Phoebe: Hey! Oh!

Ross: Youíre not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!

Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)

Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) Iím serious! Youíre not walking out on my sister!

Chandler: (standing up) Thatís right! Iím not!

Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I know about Monica.

Phoebe: You know?!

Ross: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.

Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!

Chandler: You donít know?

Ross: Know whatóIf somebody doesnít tell me whatís going on right nowÖ

Phoebe: What? Youíll hi-ya?

Chandler: Monicaís pregnant.

Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And youíre-youíreÖyouíre not freaking out?

Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettesÖ

Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!

Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and thatís when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, yíknow what? I thought anything that can fit into this, canít be scary.

Phoebe: Well you obviously didnít see Chucky 3.

Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so sheíd know I was okay.

Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)

(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)

Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew youíd find him!

[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. Itís time for Monica and Chandlerís wedding. Weíve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, weíve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]

Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.

Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!

Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) Iím so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)

(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)

The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?

Chandler: Are you Joey?

(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)

Ross: Huh. This is nice.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Iíve never walked down the aisle knowing it canít end in divorce.

(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish youíre grandmother had lived to see this.

Monica: Sheís right there.

Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.

Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)

(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)

Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)

Monica: Not now.

Chandler: Okay.

(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)

Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?

The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.

Chandler: (in Monicaís ear) Heís Greek Orthodox.

Rachel: (leaning in) As are youÖ

The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly belovedÖ

Joey: (entering) Thatís my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, Iím sorry Iím a little late. You may be confused by this now, (Heís still in costume) but you wonít be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, letís get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Iíve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as Iíve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?

(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)

Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?

Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)

Monica: Chandler, for so long IÖI wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that Iíd ever been looking for my whole life. And nowÖhere we areÖwith our future before usÖand I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you donít want to. You go!

Joey: Chandler?

(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)

Chandler: (To Ross) No, thatís okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way itís okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if Iím sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)

Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?

Chandler: I do.

Monica: I do.

Joey: Yeah you do!

Ross: Rings?

Joey: Aw crap! OkayóuhÖuh letís-letís do the rings.

(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each otherís fingers.)

Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.

(They kiss and everyone applauds.)

Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.

Monica: What baby?

Chandler: Our baby.

Monica: We have a baby?

Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.

Monica: I didnít take a pregnancy test.

Chandler: ThenÖwho did?

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Oh and theyíre gonna have a baby.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)

[Fade to black.]

Ending Credits

{Transcriberís Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}