Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
Joey: Hey! You guys! Youíre not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agentÖ
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) Iím sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I canít believe youíre nominated for an Emmy!
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey: No! Iím up for a Soapie!
Monica: Honey? Is that something youíre making up?
Joey: No, no, no! Itís real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! Iím up for a Soapie!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who Iím taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, stop that! Donít kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I canít go! Iím gonna be too nervous!
Monica: (to Joey) Okay, Iíll go!
Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: Öand it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand itís collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten itís predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well we-we donít know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesnít know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, thatís uh, thatís all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Morse: Yes sir.
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, Iím afraid I-I had to fail you.
Morse: (shocked) Why?!
Ross: Well you need 60% to passÖ
Morse: Whatíd I get?
Morse: Thatís not so good.
Ross: No-no itís not. What-what happened there Ned?
Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. Iím sort of in love.
Ross: Well Iím sorry but, that-thatís really not my problem.
Morse: Iím in love with you.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Morse: You see, thatís why I did so bad on this test. Iím having a hard time concentrating. When youíre up there (Points to the podium) and youíre teaching and your face gets all seriousÖyou look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweaterÖ
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, Iím your teacher. Iím sorry, youíre-youíre a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, heís really cute.
Phoebe: Go for it.
Monica: Phoebe, Iím engaged!
Phoebe: Iím just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and canít perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, Iím engaged. (Points to her ring.)
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner isÖJoey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) OhÖ Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didnít prepare a speech. But umm, Iíd like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, whoíve always been there for me. Iíd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, RachelÖ
Rachel: Iím fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Yeah may-maybe you donít tell anyone about this.
Rachel: What? No! Itís not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapieís called today and I also get to present an award.
Rachel: Ohh thatís great!
Rachel: So youíll definitely get onstage, even if you donít win.
Joey: (confused) What you-you donít think Iím gonna win?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But yíknow, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean youíre up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but itís justÖIíve never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
Rachel: Well Joey, youíll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Yíknow when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Yíknow? So itís sorta likeÖ (Does it, youíll have to see it.)
Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
[Scene: Monicaís Restaurant Kitchen, sheís cooking as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Monica: Hey! Howíd your date go with Jake?
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldnít keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while yíknow, heíd kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, youíre getting me all tingly.
Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was yíknow, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
Monica: And did he?
Phoebe: Iím a lady Monica, I donít kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like Iíve had 10 drinks today and Iíve only had six.
Monica: Oh, I havenít had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, Iím never gonna have that feeling again am I?
Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "Iím never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! Iím never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! Iíve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that Iíd be giving up! I mean, IÖIím never gonna have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: Youíll have a last kiss.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross: Thereís this kid in my class who said heís in love with me.
Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. Thereís a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
Ross: Yeah! I donít know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind ofÖsexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)
Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: It-itóThe point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Yíknow youóI couldnít concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember whatís itís like to be 19 and in love.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Joey: Howíd you get over that teacher?
Rachel: I didnít. I got under him.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Monica: Phoebe, itís okay. You donít have to tip toe around me. I-Iíve been thinking about it and umm, yíknow what? Iím okay about not having that new relationship feelingÖ
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)
Monica: See? Thatís what I mean. I mean that, thatís great! But I wouldnít trade in what I have for that. I mean Iím gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and thatís what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is donít you think?
Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joeyís category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensizeÖ
[Cut to Joey and Rachelís table.]
Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.
Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?
Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!
Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?
Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)
Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!
[Cut to the presenter.]
The Presenter: Öin the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes toÖ(She opens the envelope)ÖGavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that heís on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner isÖ(Opens the envelope)ÖJessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldnít be with us tonight so Iíll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And Iím sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. Sheíd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel whoís sittiní right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!
Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)
Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award!
Joey: No-no! No, Iím accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)
Rachel: Joey I donít think you know what behalf means.
Joey: Sure I do! Itís a verb! As in, "I behalfiní it!"
Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!
Joey: But why?! I shouldíve won one and I really want it and she didnít even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!
Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of Ďem.
Rachel: Do you really want an award you didnít win?
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobodyís giving me any of those! PlusóHey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over theyíll see it and theyíll think I won it.
Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!
Joey: I can scratch that right off.
Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You donít want to win an award this way. Youíre very talented. And someday youíre gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
Joey: All right!
Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.
Joey: Iíll take it back tomorrow.
Rachel: Thank you.
(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up andÖ)
Joey: (opening his door) If I canít have it you canít have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)
[Scene: Rossís Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
Lewis: Professor Geller?
Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
Lewis: I know I didnít do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.
Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
Lewis: Because Iím in love with you.
Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
Lewis: Yeah, Iím allÖin love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?
Lewis: Well why not you changed Nedís grade!
Ross: Well thatís different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
Lewis: No heís not! Heís totally yanking your chain! Heís done this with three other teachers!
Lewis: Heís got a girlfriend!
Ross: I canít believe someone would do that for a grade.
Lewis: I know! Itís awful. I love you.
(Ross glares at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Monica: ĎCause I just keeping thinking about all these things that Iím not gonna have and itís freaking me out. I donít know what to do about it.
Phoebe: Okay, donít sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guyís cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)
Monica: Phoebe! Come on Iím serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.
Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do!
Phoebe: Because youíre marrying him!
Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, Iíve never been engaged and Iíve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
Monica: So Iím not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy Iím gonna spend the rest of my life with?
Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, youíre supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
Monica: Your mother told you this?
Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youíre right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before itís too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesnít get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]
Rachel: I cannot believe Iím gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.
Rachel: Okay, Iím totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)
Jessica Ashley: Come in.
Joey: Hey Jessica.
Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.
Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.
Jessica Ashley: Hi.
Rachel: ĎSup? (Joey glares at her.)
Joey: Uh listen, hereís your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
Joey: Well, that-that-thatís it? Youíre gonna, youíre gonna put it on your self or anything?
Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if youíll excuse me. (She exits.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?
Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.]
Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?
Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big
Monica: Youíre wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?
Chandler: Kinda. Theyíre really big.
Monica: Doesnít it ever just freak you out that-that youíre never gonna be with anybody new again?
Monica: Just, I love you so much. JustÖItís just sometimes it bothers me that Iím never gonna have that feeling. Yíknow when you meet someone for the first time and itís new and exciting? Yíknow that rush?
Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody itís uh itís mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
Monica: Okay, but all right youíre a guy, does it not freak you that youíre never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and Iím afraid even more sweating.
Monica: Even with me?
Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that youíre having these thoughts, Iím back to panic, anxiety, and uh Iím definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you donít have to worry. No, besides yíknow what? Iím gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkidÖ
Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!
[Scene: Rossís classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]
Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?
Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that Iím changing your grade back.
Morse: What?! Why?
Ross: ĎCause I know what youíre trying to pull here. Okay? Itís not gonna work.
Morse: Iím not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.
Ross: Yíknow what? I-Iím not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okayó(Ned looks shocked)óYeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You donít love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, Iíll be right with you. (To Ned) Donít make this worse and Iíll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Rachel: Iíll be out in a second.
(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)
Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) Itís just so unexpected! IÖI uhÖBoy Iíll tell you itís just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and yíknow to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress inÖ
Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe: Öin Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)
Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later weíre gonna be late. We gotta go.
Phoebe: Please, donít play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! ITíS SATURDAY NIGHT!!