Teleplay by: Patty Lin
Story by: Earl Davis
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Whatís the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willieís still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, theyíre gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so weíre looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, Iím afraid that does not exist.
Monica: Thatís not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy whoís going like thisÖ (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Thatís the creep that youíre with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I donít know what it is, I just canít take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, hereís a great one.
Chandler: Yeah, Iím not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why donít you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: Thatís a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! YíknowÖ (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah thatís great! Next to that, Chandler wonít look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, Iím not going. Iím going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! OhÖ
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettiní us play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebeís talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But heís getting divorcedóRoss! Maybe you know him.
Ross: Itís not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guyís going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You donít have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean yíknow you canít date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross: Soon heíll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because Iím not gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldnít mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isnít he? Heís dating that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced menís club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachelís Outer Office, sheís returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, whatís up? Iím just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Yíknow, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. Whatís up? (She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa: Well, weíve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ainít a locker room, okay? But, yíknow I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isnít that Tagís backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I donít want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isnít.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! Thatís great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: Iím sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you donít have to smile. Letís try something else. Letís try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (Youíll have to see it, I canít describe the face he makes, but it isnít good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachelís Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well Iíve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. UmmÖhere. (Hands him one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesnít like it.) You got anything thatís not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I donít think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? Iíll pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say itís gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: Iím not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey: Really? ĎCause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-heís new in town and I know he doesnít have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. Iíll really appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) OohóHey, donuts!
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Letís try a lookÖof far offÖwonderment. Okay, weíll-weíll gaze into our future and weíll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Donít laugh at him! Heís my drowning moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: Thatís it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and thatís why I have to kill you."
Monica: They canít all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: Iím having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! Iím sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No thatís okay, heís a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I donít mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, IÖ Well yíknow I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so Iíd just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know itís really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss andóOh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, donít freak out. Iíll go.
Hums While He Pees: No itísÖ Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm thatís Whitney (Points), Kyleís ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can yíknow divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I donít think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, Iíll do it. But just because youíre a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I donít have it!
Ross: Itís right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
Ross: Look, Iím sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyleís ex.
Ross: Oh yeahóNoóYouíre welcome. Weíll talk about it later.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyleís ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! Iím sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! Thatís where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like sheís really mean, and sheís over critical, and-andóNo! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast Iíll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe: Youíre still gonna go out with her?!
Phoebe: Well, didnít you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husbandís gonna say that stuff. Now, if youíll excuse meÖ
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isnít sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
[Scene: Rachelís Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh thatís nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel: Thatís great! Wow man, so Joey mustíve really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doiní?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? Thatís a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) Youíre changing it!
Chandler: I canít help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, firstófirst of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), youíre looking down, keep looking downÖ
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guyís all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Rachel: Yíknow, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you canít teach someone to be good with women. Yíknow, thatís why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) Iím right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, itís justóAnd I know heís my assistant and I canít date himóbut it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you canít take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: Iím still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just donít want him to meet anybody until I am over my crushóAnd I will get over it. Itís-itís not like I love him, itís just physical! ButóI mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I donít know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! Iíll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You canít take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I donít know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag thereís such a thing as to many women.
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I donít know, but donít worry, donít worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look downÖ (He falls asleep.)
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okayóand F.Y.I she mustíve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I donít give a tiny ratís ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she shouldíve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I donít think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe thatís just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think heís emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldnít be she didnít bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Yearís Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) Iím sorry you had to see that.
[Scene: Rachelís Office, Tag is entering.]
Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh whatíd you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I donít think Iím gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: Itís just not really who I am. Y'know, Iíve always been happier whenÖWhy am I telling you this? You donít care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, yíknow?
Tag: When Iím in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Tag: Someone I can spoil, yíknow?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-Iím startiní too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, itís settled.
Tag: Iím gettiní back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel: Iíd love to!
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now theyíre not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, Iím sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, howís Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldnít have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, youíre both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-whatís up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyleís last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscingÖ
Kyle: Öwe talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. SoÖ (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: Weíre gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: Iím gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because youíre so capable of change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Yíknow, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: Weíre so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: Thatís all right, we-we donít need you. In fact, hey Iím over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and yíknow what? I donít give a tiny ratís ass.
Kyle: Yeah, weíre gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Iím sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Yíknow, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Yíknow, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And yíknow, even if they break up again, youíd better not let him in your sad menís club!
Ross: Divorced menís club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (Sheís pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, letís see it!
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey: Yíknow, we donít have to imagine.
Chandler: Iím marrying her.
Joey: Weíll just see.