Written by: Brian Boyle
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives donít mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica arenít amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldnít have done it without you buddy. Youíre a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I canít get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, itís your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: Itís your mommy. Itís your mommy.
Rachel: Thatís nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what theyíre gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was ummÖOkay.
Ross: It wasnít the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you donít! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means Iím stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittiní right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I donít know. I donít know. I canít lie to him again. Oh no Ióno! Iím just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thatís right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasnít that good.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! Youíll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office andÖ
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! Youíre not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway Iím sittiní in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: Iím gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, thatís great!!
Joey: Oh, you werenít finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if youíre gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: Itís the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, itís really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that heís so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Monica: Iím so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I gotóI get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: Iíll be playing Drake Remorayís twin brother, Stryker!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) WellóI got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.
[Scene: Rachelís New Office, sheís interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: Thatís right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Rachel: Iíve never interviewed anyone before. Iíve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isnít the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. Itís not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) Iím a total pro!
(Thereís a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh Iím sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, Iím here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so whatísówhat isówhatís your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: Thatís it. Thatís my whole name.
Rachel: Thatís your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well letís-letís just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I havenít worked in an office before, and I really donít have a lot of experience, but uhÖ
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? Youíve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Fridayís, come on!
Tag: Itís lame, I know. But Iím a goal-oriented person, very eager to learnÖ
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) Iím sorry, itís for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I canít tell you. Itís a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people arenít supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No Iím serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why donít you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I canít do that.
Monica: If you tell me, Iíll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, weíre on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebeís secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebeís old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: Thatís it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: Thatís right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just donít know how you decide who to hire. I mean Iíve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then thereís this guyÖ
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. Heís so pretty I wanna cry! I donít know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You donít hire an assistant because theyíre cute, you hire them because theyíre qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what youíre saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Letís see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! OhÖ But no! No! You canít-you canít hire him, because thatóitís not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay youíre right. Iíll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Donít show this to Monica! And donít tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producerís office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: Itís been a while, huh? Wow, itís funny these halls look smaller then they used to.
Terry: Itís a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why donít we start right now!
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Strykerís twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Yíknow Terry, I-I donít really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
Terry: Iím sorry Joey thatísÖthatís the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think youíre pretty special huh? Sittiní up here in your fancy small hall building. Makiní stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well yíknow what? (Throws the script away) This is one star whoís hoopÖ This is a star that the hoopóthis hoopóI was Dr. Drake Remoray!
[Scene: Rachelís office, sheís there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there arenít any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your firstÖ (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldnít put good at noticing stuff on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, Iím guessing you hired somebody.
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! Youíre my new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Tag: I canít believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey! Good, youíre home!
Chandler: Oh itís always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story Iíve had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Whatís up?
Ross: Oh, nothiní much. Just trying to figure out what Iím gonna do for dinner.
Ross: (notices the table) HeyóOoh! Whatís-whatís that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. Theyíre ummÖ Theyíre just uhÖground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way Iíll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still canít eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) Whatís so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) Iím not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompsonís getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! Itís not like I choose to do it! Itís not likeóItís not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: Youíre right. I mean Iím sorry. Yeah, I shouldnít be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had too okay?! Weíre getting married! Married couples canít keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a barÖ
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what youíre thinking, Chandlerís not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and youíre right, Chandlerís not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out withÖgirls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hardÖ
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: HeyóOoh, howís Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) Itís the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next weekís script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like theyíre taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) Weíre not even shootiní them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Rachel: Iím sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesnít mind, of course.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box sheíd made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldnít tell time Ďtil she was 13!
Monica: Itís hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wowówhoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Monica: Ohh, Iím sorry I couldnít think of anymore for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothiní!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! Thatís madness!
[Scene: Rachelís Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Greenís office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Tag: Hi! Rachel Greenís office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
Tag: Phoebe! Thatís a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. Weíll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but Iím telling youÖ
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that Iíve ever done. But Iím telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (Thereís a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because sheís listed in the credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Kathy: Cute assistant! Whatís his story? Is heÖ
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terryís office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! Iím surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! WaitóLookóWait I-IÖ Look, Iím really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking Iím too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I canít help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guyís been in a coma for five years. Itís hopeless.
Nurse #2: Itís not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remorayís a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only itís not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, itís your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) Iím back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Monica: Yíknow, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I donít know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Yíknow when I said that because weíre getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Letís not do that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if youíll excuse me, I-Iím gonna go hang out with some people who donít know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, Iíd steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "Iím sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldnít hang out withÖall the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.)
[Scene: Rachelís office, sheís looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, whatís up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunchÖby guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But Iím not gay. And I especially wouldnít want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Whyís that?
Tag: I donít think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I donít want you to feel like you canít tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Tag: Iíd love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, sheís gay.