The One With Rachelís Book

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

Joey: Who wants French toast?

Ross: Oh, Iíll have some!

Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.

Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!

Chandler: Whatís the matter honey?

Monica: I donít know, my hand feels weird. I guess itís because, Iím engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?

Phoebe: It starts?

Rachel: Yeah, so letís get started on the wedding plans!

Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)

Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!

Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the musicÖ

Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.

Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooksÖ

Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.

Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)

Chandler: What in Godís name is that?!

Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I havenít seen that since the forth grade!

Monica: This baby has got everything. Take yíknow, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.

Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]

Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now letís take a look atÖ (Phoebe rushes in.)

Phoebe: Hey! Ross!

Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?

Phoebe: I need to talk to you, itís pretty urgent. Itís about Monica and Chandler.

Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each otherís hometowns? Why donít youÖ (Motions that they should learn everyoneís hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-whatís going on?

Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, yíknow? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?

Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-whatís wrong with Monica and Chandler?

Phoebe: NothingóWhy?!

Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!

Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! Iím going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.

Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?

Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, Iím sorry. Iím so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.]

Monica: All right, so I havenít cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.

Rachel: Aw.

Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.

Chandler: Well, you couldnít get them anyway. Ian doesnít plan anymore and DerrickÖ (Off of Rachel and Monicaís looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldnít know.

Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Yíknow, something a little snugglyer?

Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?

Joey: Well, the duckÖ

Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!

Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!

Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?

Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?

Chandler: Centerpieces!

Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)

Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think theyíre a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.

Monica: Oh my God! Itís like one mind.

Chandler: Uh-huh!

Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, Iím gonna get cranky!

Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!

Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: All right, Iím gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)

Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!

Joey: I donít know! But he did not eat your face cream!

[Cut to Joey and Rachelís, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]

Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Heís about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachelís room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thatís so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicarÖ(Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) Öwouldnít be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed hisÖ(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)

[Scene: Rossís apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table sheís set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]

Ross: Uh, PhoebeÖ

Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.

Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Iím sorry, Iím with a client right now.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Okay, letís talk outside.

(They go into the hall.)

Ross: Phoebe, you canít massage people in my apartment!

Phoebe: Whatís the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandlerís!

Ross: And they knew about it?

Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?

Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!

Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just donít know what the big deal is!

Ross: The big deal is I donít want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzleóbeer! Cold beer.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey Joey, what Ďcha doing?

Joey: Sweepiní. Why? Turn you on?

Rachel: No.

Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?

Rachel: Joey, did you my face cream?

(She walks into her bedroom.)

Joey: Where are you going? The vicar wonít be home for hours.

(She comes back out.)

Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?

Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?

Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!

Joey: Yeah I did!

Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!

Joey: Okay, look Iím sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldnít have, but you got porn!

Rachel: Hey-hey, yíknow what? I donít care! Iím not ashamed of my book. Thereís nothing with a woman enjoying a littleÖerotica. Itís just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)

Joey: You got porn!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzleóbeer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebeís massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]

Ross: Hello.

Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?

Ross: Uh no-no, she-sheís out for the night.

Woman: Ohh great.

Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?

Woman: Well, I donít know. Are you a masseur?

Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.

Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, Iíll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)

(Ross isnít happy and closes the door slowly.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]

Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, youíre parents mustíve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.

Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.

Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.

Chandler: Oh, I donít think I ever heard that story.

Monica: Oh dad, really you donít need toÖ

Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, Iíd gotten Judy pregnant. I still donít know that happened.

Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You donít know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!

Chandler: What a sweet story.

Monica: Well, at least youíre not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.

Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!

Monica: Anyway, weíre really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon weíll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents donít.) What?

Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I canít do it.

Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund donít you?

Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.

Commercial Break

[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]

Monica: I donít believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!

Mrs. Geller: Weíre sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 youíd pay for it yourself.

Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23!

Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you canít put a price on that sweetie.

Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.

Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.

Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?

Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didnít think heíd ever propose!

Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)

Monica: I canít believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!

Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didnít think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.

Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.

Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.

Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I donít want to hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesnít like it.]

Ross: Okay! Now, Iím going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, thatís soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.]

Monica: I canít believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?

Chandler: I donít know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. Sheís saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.

Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?

Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!

Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!

Rachel: Wait, but thereís no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!

Chandler: Honey, itís gonna be okay.

Monica: No! No itís not! Itís not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!

Rachel: No, yíknow what? Itís gonna be okay. I mean you donít have to have this rustic Italian feast. Yíknow? And-and you donít need, you donít need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)

Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that weíre gonna get married.

Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!

Phoebe: Look, why donít you just pay for it yourself?

Monica: How? I donít have any money.

Chandler: Well, I have some.

Monica: How much?

Chandler: Well, close toÖ (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)

Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!

Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!

Monica: Itís enough for wedding scenario eight.

Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!

Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!

Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.

Chandler: Well, youíre not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?

Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!

Chandler: Well, come on, Iíve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.

Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.

Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.

Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but Iím not gonna spend all of the money on one party.

Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, weíre only gonna get married once.

Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.

Monica: You-youíre gonna have to put your foot down?

Chandler: Yes, I am!

Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]

Joey: Hey Rach.

Rachel: (quietly) Joey.

Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?

Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.

Joey: No-no-no, Iím serious. You donít smell it? Somethingís on fire.

Rachel: Well no, I donít smell anything.

Joey: Oh, yíknow what? Itís probably just your burniní loins.

Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?

Rachel: Nothing!

Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffeeís cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)

Rachel: Yíknow, I can not believe you told him, Joey!

Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?

Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)

Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) ĎSup?

Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!

Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) Iím sorry?

Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.

Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!

Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.

Ross: Okay, so it wasnít uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.

Phoebe: Well, heís never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!

Ross: Hey, yíknow what? This is your fault! Youíre the one that didnít move his-his appointment.

Phoebe: Oh, itís my fault?! You didnít have to massage him! You couldíve sent him away! You couldíve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!

Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh youíre right, youíre right. Iím sorry.

Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?

Ross: His daughter was hot.

Joey: Gotcha.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Listen umm, Iíve been thinking, itís not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.

Chandler: Ehh.

Monica: Eh, you work for that.

Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and Iím sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.

Monica: You do?!

Chandler: Yeah, Iím putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then thatís what weíre gonna do.

Monica: Oh, youíre so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?

Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, yíknow? Weíll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.

Monica: You thought about that?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?

Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.

Monica: What else did you think about?

Chandler: Well, stuff like whereíd we live, yíknow? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Yíknow, we could have a cat that had a bell on itís collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, weíd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Monica: (laughs) Yíknow what? I-I donít want a big, fancy wedding.

Chandler: Sure you do.

Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.

Chandler: You sure?

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Chandler: I love you so much.

Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkiní about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.

Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!

Monica: Oh good.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]

Joey: Hello, Zelda.

Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?

Joey: The vicar!

Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?

Joey: Like a goalie, right?

Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, itís enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and itísóIím notóitís just not funny anymore!

Joey: All right, Iím sorry. Rach IóRach Iím sorry. Okay? Iím sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)

Rachel: All right! Yíknow what? Thatís it! You wanna do it?! Letís do it!

Joey: Huh?

Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) Thatís right, I wanna do it with you! Iíve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.

Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.)

Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, Iíve been waitiní so long to get on that body!

Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.)

Rachel: Yeah thatís right! Come on Joey; sex me up!

Joey: Hey-hey, youíre startiní to sound like the butcherís wife there in-in chapter seven.

Rachel: Oh, come on now, donít keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because youíre in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)

Joey: I donít want to, Iím scared.

(Rachel walks away, pleased with her self.)