Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Story by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, whatís going on?
Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monicaís quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah Iíll take that.
Ross: Whatís up?
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
Ross: Where is she?
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) Iím engaged!!!!!! Iím engaged!!!!
[Cut back inside.]
Joey: Yeah, sheís been out there for twenty minutes, Iím surprised you didnít hear her on the way over.
Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "Iím gay! Iím gay!" Can I bring her in?
Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. Itís sweet.
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Iím getting married!!!! Iím gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because Iím engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why donít you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
[Cut back inside.]
Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. Iíll be in the closet.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say thatÖI love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldnít be myóour-our night, if you all werenít here to celebrate with meóusóDamnit!
Chandler: Itís okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
Monica: Awww, come onówaitóstop it. Okay, to Monica.
Chandler: To Monica!
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, yíknow, Iím kinda musical.
Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt sheís even had time toÖ
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, youíre on your own.
Monica: Yíknow what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.
(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
Joey: But I-I-I canít stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. Iím supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
Joey: You guys donít think I look 19?
(A brief silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
Monica: Okay everybody, letís go! Letís go!
(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
Joey: I was afraid of that.
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlerís bedroom, theyíre getting ready.]
Monica: (looking at her hand) Yíknow what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) Youíre not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Chandler: Know what I mean?
Monica: Yeah, but I donít think we have time.
Chandler: Thereís gonna be a wedding. Youíre gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica: (lustily) Letís do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, donít worry about it!
Chandler: (motioning with his hands) Iím not worried, Iím uh, Iím fascinated. Yíknow itís like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)
Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing)
"First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.
But here I am singing on his wedding day!"
Phoebe: If you wouldíve let me finish, it goes on to say that heís probably not gay.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]
Chandler: Sure, you guys donít have this problem, youíre made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
Chandler: You look great!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.
Chandler: You okay over there?
Rachel: I donít know, yíknow? I feel a little ummÖ No, yíknow what? Nevermind, Iím gonna be fine.
Chandler: Oh, donít worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]
Ross: Wow! Happy Monicaís night!
Rachel: Well thank you, you too.
Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married?
Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time soÖ
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-IÖ I mean, do-do you think weíre ever gonna have that?
Ross: You mean, weóyou and me?
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
Rachel: Shake it off.
Ross: I meanóno, itís just Ďcause, itís just ícause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
Rachel: No, absolutely. Yíknow like it was ummÖ
Ross: Surely you can think of something good.
Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Ross: My hands?
Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Yíknow, you-you were really good at the stuff too.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, yíknow what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had bonus night!
Ross: A what?
Rachel: Yíknow, bonus night. Yíknow, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.
Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, Iím-Iím sure it would be amazing but IÖgotta say I really-really donít think it would be a good idea. Yíknow? I really, reallyÖdonít.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (heís in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. Heís got the wool cap, heís got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and heís got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like theyíre from the inner-city.]
Joey: ĎSup? ĎSup dude?
Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please donít hurt me.
Joey: So youíre playing a little Playstation, huh? Thatís whack! Playstation is whack! ĎSup with the whack Playstation, Ďsup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.
Joey: Come on man, really how old?!
Chandler: Young! Youíre a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybodyís ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)
Chandler: Uhh, youíve had a lot of sex right?
Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
Chandler: Well, itís just the reason that Iím asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable toóI mean I really wanted too, but I couldnítÖ. There huhóhmm, there-there was an incident.
Joey: Donít worry about that man, that happens.
Chandler: Itís happened to you?
Joey: Yeah! Once.
Chandler: Well, whatíd you do?
Joey: I did it anyway.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.]
Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Letís go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why arenít you dressed yet?!
Phoebe: Iím sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)
Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, Iíll tell you what, if you get ready now Iíll let you play it at the wedding.
Phoebe: Really?! Oh thatís so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again Iíll have to pound on you for a little bit.
Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!
Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)
Monica: Iíll get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating myó(She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) Iím sorry, uh apparently Iíve opened the door to the past.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just sawÖ
Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
Monica: See, Iíve been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people Iím only planning on doing this once. So, uh yíknow, maybe this is selfish and Iím sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just aboutÖ
Ross: It is! It is!
Monica: No itís not! No! No! Now itís about you and Ross getting back together!
Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together!
Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!
Monica: Thatís true.
Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)
Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
Monica: Thunder being stolen!!
Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, itís nothing! Monica, come on!
Ross: Look letís not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesnít even matter!
(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Chandler: (angrily) I donít think thatís what they were talking about Joe!!
Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler canít do it, these guys kissedÖ (Points to Ross and Rachel.)
Joey: You guys kissed! Oh myóthis is huge!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: No-no, itís really not huge.
Ross: And; people thinking itís huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
Monica: Well, weíre still talking about it, arenít we?
Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandlerís problem.
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Monica: Yes that would be lovely.
Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!
Joey: (gasps) Iím 30!
Rachel: Joey, you are not! Youíre 31.
Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!
Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, weíll get us some Mai Thaiís, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.
Monica: Yíknow what? I-I think that umm, I donít feel like going to The Plaza.
Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! LookÖ
Monica: No-no, I-I really donít want to talk about it! I donít! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
Joey: Psss, that is whack!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
Phoebe: (sheís strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think Iíll play it at the wedding.
Joey: Yeah! Well, I think weíll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you donít."
Phoebe: Well, I donít think Monica is gonna take this away.
Joey: Wouldnít she?
Phoebe: Would she?
Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy bar!
[Scene: Rachelís bedroom, sheís pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]
Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)
Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the airÖ
Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didnít want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Ross: Still thinking about it huh?
Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!
Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.
Rachel: Yíknow what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlerís bedroom, they are both getting undressed.]
Monica: I canít believe her, yíknow itís justóitís so typical.
Chandler: Now Monica, I know youíre upset, but donít forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then thereís going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because itís romantic, but because I can!
Monica: I love you!
(They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)
Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler: Okay, donít say anything, you might scare it away.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Chandler: Itís Paris, who knows weíre here!
Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, whatís up? (She enters.)
Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, Iím just gonna need a small deposit.
Phoebe: Yíknow, just some good faith money to hold the date.
Chandler: Pheebs, weíre not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
Joey: They break your heart, donít they?
Phoebe: Yíknow, I donít really their permission.
Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then youÖ You gotta do something about your eyes.
Joey: What?! Whatís wrong with my eyes.
Phoebe: They give you away! Thereís just-thereís just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
Joey: And thatíll get rid of my wisdom?
Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandlerís room, they are making out again as thereís another knock on the door.]
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I donít care!
(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didnít want to talk to anyone, especially me?
Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
Monica: Well, letís just say itís not the first time youíve stolen my thunder.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, hereís a thought.
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?
Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.
Monica: Itís all everybody at the party could talk about!
Rachel: Monica, yíknow what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica: (gasps) We had a characturist!
Phoebe: (singing, angrily)
"Whenever I get married, guess who wonít get to sing?
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!"
Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I donít want to steal your stupid thunder!
Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)
Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ainít gonna happen!
Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
Ross: Uh, Rachel, Iíve been thinking. I donít think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. Iím calling it off.
Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.
Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?
Monica: I donít know! I donítómaybe youíre feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought youíd get married first! Maybe you canít stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you!
Rachel: Oh wow. Thatóyíknow what? That is so unfair. Yíknow what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, letís go have sex!
(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)
Monica: (yelling after them) I canít believe youíre gonna have sex on my engagement night!!
Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)
[Cut to Rachelís bedroom.]
Ross: Look uh, if weíre gonna do thisÖ
Rachel: Weíre not gonna do this, all right? Sheís just gonna think that weíre doiní it.
Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
(Thereís a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Monica: (outside the door) Itís Monica, open up!
Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?
Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement Iím going to announce that Iím pregnant!
Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?!
Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you donít know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!
Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am soÖso happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that Iím not. Iím not even close. And I donít know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that thatís dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
(Ross looks at Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Ross) I donít care, she slept with me.
Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, Iím so sorry I ruined your night.
Monica: (starting to cry) Iím sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)
Ross: (deadpan) Well, Iím going to take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man.
Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel.
Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person whoís going to enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandlerís door.]
"We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed.
Thatís right, Iím here all night, and Chandler will never get lÖ"
Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Hereís a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
Phoebe: Oh thank you.
Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.)
Phoebe: NowÖ (Starts singing again) "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the ceró(Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him)óOhóoh! All right, Iíll pound on him in the morning.