Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Story by: Brian Caldirola
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys.
Rachel: Whats the matter?
Phoebe: Well its justits one of those situations that I just hate. Yknow? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum.
Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now youre thinking you gotta sleep with him.
Phoebe: No! No! Its just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!
Chandler: Ill give up my ticket.
Joey: Me too.
Phoebe: Okay thats so generous!
Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.
Phoebe: Great! Okay then its just us girls!
Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.
Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit.
Phoebe: Its mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.
Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend!
Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.
Monica: Oh thats great!
Monica: I mean think about all the money that youre gonna make!
Ross: Why? What?
Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?
Ross: No, no, thats funny. But maybe its time to move on, let it go, yknow? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeths father, so ah, hes much older than she is. Looks like Im not the only one interested in fossils, huh?
Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils.
Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings (Paul enters) in his ear.
(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultees presence.)
Ross: Oh, come on you guys; thats funny! Yknow? Because hes needhes got like a hearing aide yknow, cause-cause yknow, cause hes all old, and
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that hell just be one second.)
Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, Ive decided to accept the fact that youre going out with her.
Ross: Really? That okay, thats great.
Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. Im funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now Im telling you, I dont want you seeing my daughter anymore.
Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.
Paul: Yes it does.
Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I dont think theres really anything you can do about it.
Paul: Ill call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.
Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!
[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]
Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek!
Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin up about something Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now hes just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, Ill
Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; wed be great together!
(The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the counter.)
Joey: Hey! So Im back.
The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?
Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesnt remember) Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, Im ready to go back up on the wall Im the star of a new TV show.
The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show me in the table.
Joey: Oh well, its not on TV yet.
The Dry Cleaner: Well, then its not on the wall yet.
Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away)
Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauers clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that havent been cleaned yet?
(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)
[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.]
Monica: Oh, I love museums!
Monica: Soakin up all the culture.
Monica: Where do you want to start?
Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop!
Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch.
Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I cant eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.
Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe hes gonna tell you that hes gay?
Rachel: What?! No! Why?!
Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?
(A museum official enters with another man and woman.)
The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points), and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)
Rachel: I didnt know you could get married here.
Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldnt put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean youd have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)
The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?
Rachel: Oh sorry didnt mean to interrupt. Its just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here?
The Museum Official: Yes. Were very popular. Theres a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)
Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list
Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! Im not getting married! Im not even engaged.
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Rachel: Yeah hon, it cant hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if youre not engaged you just dont use it.
Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.
Rachel: Im gonna do it too!
Phoebe: Me too!
Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry?
Phoebe: I dont know, I dont have anyone right now. Yknow?
Rachel: Oh Pheebs.
Phoebe: Dont feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isnt gay.
Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is
Phoebe: Dont even get me started on yours!
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.]
Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?
The Dry Cleaner: I did.
Joey: All right, lets get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.)
The Dry Cleaner: No! It dont go up on the wall!
Joey: WhatBut you saw the show!
The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people!
Joey: Dry cleaners?
The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!
Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!
The Dry Cleaner: Thats right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!
Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-thats offensive to Russians.
The Dry Cleaner: Ive never seen it!
Joey: Oh you should, its great.
(The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)
[Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.]
Ross: This place is really beautiful!
Elizabeth: Yeah, Ive been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandmas.
Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyesDo-do you want to make out?
(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)
Elizabeth: Are you okay? Whats wrong?
Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya
Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.
Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, its kinda fun hiding.
(They start making out again.)
Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right?
Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
Elizabeth: Ill just run to the store and get some.
Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, Im the guy! Ill get it.
Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is?
Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle?
Ross: A little bit.
Elizabeth: (laughs) Ill be back in ten minutes.
Elizabeth: Why dont you get in the hot tub and Ill meet you there.
Ross: Ohh, okay.
(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and )
Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house.
(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)
Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, its my moms. So this is the kitchen.
(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clichéd scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone rings. He lets the machine answer it.]
Chandler: (on machine) Youve reached Monica and Chandlers, if youre listening to this message, were probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are.
The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. Im calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if shes still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available (Chandler runs to answer the phone.)
Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groomNo! Not the groom!!
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.]
Rachel: Its so secluded up here.
Paul: I know. I like it up here.
Rachel: I feel like were the only two people in the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and causes Rachel to scream.)
Paul: Whats the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?
Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-Iwould youactually, would you go check on that?
Paul: Honey, we dont have any bears here.
Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke?
Paul: Okay. Ill be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.)
Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you doing here?!
Ross: What are you doing here?!
Rachel: I came with Paul!
Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!
Rachel: Get up!
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)
Rachel: Ahh. Thank you!
Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)
Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice.
Rachel: Thank you.
Paul: Ill be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)
Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice.
Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not in there! Hes in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the kitchen.)
Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a bear?
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
Paul: Im so happy that youre here.
Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am!
Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeths here! Who are you talking to?
Elizabeth: Uh, you guys?
Paul: How did you know we were here?
Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.
Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here to be alone with her.)
Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?
Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep.
Rachel: Well, why do yknow go in that room (points to the room Ross is in) and do your homework?
Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldnt do it in there. Thats my dads bedroom.
Rachel: Thats your, thats your dads bedroom. (Yelling) Thats your dads bedroom!
Paul: Why are you yelling?
Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hi, honey.
Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)
Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!
Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)
(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)
The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. Im calling for Monica Geller.
Monica: Oh no!
The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if shes still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available
Monica: Oh please, he didnt hear it! He didnt hear it!!
Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isnt working right now. Instead, a beautiful woman is working.]
Female Clerk: Can I help you?
Joey: Uh yeah, where-wheres the guy who decides whos pictures go up on the wall?
Female Clerk: Hes not here right now.
Joey: Oh, youre kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? Im an actor; Im kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.
Female Clerk: Yknow, there are two people who could put your picture up there. (She makes eyes at him.)
Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) Youre the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, continued from earlier.]
Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?
Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, Im leaving as soon as possible!
Paul: Good. Good. Not that we dont want you to stay, obviously youre welcomeHow much more homework do you have?
Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?
Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-Ill go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car.
Paul: What do you need from the car?
Rachel: Surprise me.
Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)
Rachel: (yelling) So youre gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and thats where everybodys gonna be!
(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)
[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Pauls back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]
Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, youre doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Yknow why? Because youre a (pause) neat guy. (Ross cant believe what hes hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. Youre just a love machine. (Starts singing) Im just a love machine and I wont work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) Im just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.]
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?!
Phoebe: No! Why?
Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad is this?!
Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, its bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!
Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I cant find him anywhere!
Phoebe: What are you gonna do?
Monica: Well, Im never gonna listen to you again, thats for sure! (Mimicking her.) "Yknow, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?"
Phoebe: Rachel said that!
Monica: Well Rachels not here! (Runs out.)
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is on the wall.]
Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire picture.)
Joey: I didnt do that! Who wouldve done that?!
The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch!
Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy.
The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!
Phoebe: Well, what did he do?
The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-IHey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)
The Dry Cleaner: Thats my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in Russian, and Im betting hes not saying pleasant things about him.)
Phoebe: Well, we should go.
[Scene: Pauls Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]
Elizabeth: Ross? Ross?
Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) Im gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) Ill meet you at the front door. Just tell them youre going home, okay?
Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Dont go in there! Dont go in there! I need another soda!
(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.)
Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heavens name are you doing here?
Ross: (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot see each other anymore.
Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.
Paul: Youre next!!
Elizabeth: Okay. I didnt know he was here. (Runs over to Rachel.)
Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or Ill have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"
Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain
Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!!
Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)
Paul: (panicked) What?
Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics Pauls flexing.)
Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is pacing, waiting for Chandler to return. Chandler enters.]
Monica: (going over to him) Im so sorry. Please, stop freaking out.
Chandler: Im not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)
Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, whats the harm in that?
Chandler: Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)
Monica: Chandler, please dont think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel
Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!
Monica: It was a mistake. Please dont take this to mean anything, because it doesnt.
Chandler: Yes, if it really doesnt mean anything, because you know that Im just not ready
Monica: I know! I know.
Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)
Monica: Im gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that youre back. I was really worried about you. (Exits.)
Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey, did she buy it?
Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place?
Chandler: Yeah, its beautiful.
Phoebe: I cant believe youre gonna ask Monica to marry you!
Chandler: I know.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the counter.]
Joey: Hey Gunther.
Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there (points) wants the biscotti.
Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go.
Gunther: Do you still work here?
Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one? Im sorry.
Gunther: Oh thats cool, I was gonna fire you anyway.
Joey: Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.)