Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay,
so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and
dad, and I dont really know what happened with that.
[cut to Phoebe Sr.s house, from the last episode]
Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) Im your mother.
Phoebe: Ehh?
[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up
for a date.]
Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldnt go out with a
guy like Chandler...
Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in
disgust)
Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldnt let it go, and... I dont really
know what happened with that either.
[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]
Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Rosss new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and
Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to
choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I dont know what happened there
either...
[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]
Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: The beach house, its the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in
front of the two doors of Rachels and Bonnies rooms, trying to decide which
door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]
Ross: (surprised) Hi!
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!
Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
Ross: Awww.
Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.
Rachel: Oh, youre welcome a million.
Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, Ill see you in our room.
Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)
Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.
Ross: I know.
(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)
Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.
Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!
Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Rachel: Here?! Now?!
Ross: Well, yeah. I cant-I cant stay here all night, and if I go in
there shes-shes gonna wanna... do stuff.
Rachel: Well, cant you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesnt work either, I cant
tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.
Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?
Rachel: I dont know.
(they kiss again)
Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasnt every morning.
Rachel: Oh, making it worse!
Ross: Okay.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.s house, its right after she told Phoebe that shes her
birth mother.]
Phoebe Sr.: So I guess youd like to know how it all happened.
Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born,
and everyone started lying their asses off!
Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasnt like that I... Remember how I told you how
Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.
Phoebe: How close?
Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.
Phoebe: I dont even know how that would work!
Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...
Phoebe: (interrupting) Im not asking!
Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was
stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what its like to
be eighteen years old?
Phoebe: Yeah. Lets see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off,
and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, Im so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best
parents in the world, I didnt even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years
ago, and by then you were already grown up. I dont know, youre here, and I
would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! Im a really cool person. And y'know you
had 29 years to find that out, but you didnt even try! Y'know what, you walked out
on me, and Im just, Im gonna do the same thing to you.
Phoebe Sr.: Wait!
Phoebe: I dont ever want to see you again!
(She walks out and slams the door.)
Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, wheres my purse?
[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is
looking in the fridge.]
Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! Were out of soda.
Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, Ill go out and get you some.
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Nope! Because Im not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, whos
entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?
Phoebe: Well, umm, my Moms friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.
(The gang is shocked.)
Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.
Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?
Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-whos a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go
upstairs)
Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Dont you wanna stay here and talk
about it?
Phoebe: No. Im just, I wanna, I need to be alone.
(She starts to go upstairs.)
Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!
Monica: Oh.
[Scene: The beach house, Rachels bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as
Ross walks through the door.]
Ross: Its over.
Rachel: Oh, was it awful?
Ross: Well, it was loong. I didnt even realise how late it was, until I
noticed the 5 oclock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop
themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didnt want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.
(They kiss.)
Rachel: I wrote you a letter.
Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)
Rachel: (handing him the letter) Its just some things Ive been thinking
about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back
together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from
making contact.) Wow, its-its 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So,
Id better get cracking on this baby.
Rachel: Well, Ill be waiting for you, just come up when youre done.
Ross: Okay, Ill be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back.
Very exciting.
[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He
wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]
Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading
the letter)
Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter
back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why
didnt you come up?
Ross: Done!
Rachel: You just finished?
Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very
important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
Rachel: So umm, does it?
Ross: Im sorry.
Rachel: Does it?
Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole Does it? part
just another glance.
Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice!
Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesnt, and if you have to even think
about it...
Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I dont, I dont, I dont have
to think about it, in fact, Ive decided, Ive decided that, that it.......does.
(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him.
While hugging her, Ross tries to find the Does it? part in the letter.)
Rachel: Are you sure?
Ross: Oh, sure! Im sure.
Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from
the letter.)
[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]
Chandler: All right, theres a nuclear holocaust, Im the last man on
Earth. Would you go out with me?
Monica: Ennnh.
Chandler: Ive got canned goods.
Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys!
Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this
baby out, dug me a hole!
Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.
(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)
Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!
Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!
Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!
Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!
Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!
Monica: Its like two miles!
Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging the hole.
Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!
Chandler: Weve got to do something!
Joey: Well, theres really only one thing you can do.
Monica: What?! What is it?!
Joey: Youre gonna have to pee on it.
Monica: What?!! Gross!!
Joey: Dont blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.
Chandler: Y'know what, hes right. Theres something like uh, ammonia in
that, that like kills the pain.
Monica: Well forget it! It doesnt hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!
Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.
[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]
Phoebe: Well, Im ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel
cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod Yes.) Ohh!
Thats so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod No.) But for you, yay!
Ohh.
(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: How was the beach?
Monica: Nothing, I dont know.
Ross: What happened?
Monica: Nothing. Im gonna take a shower.
Chandler: Me too!!
Joey: Me too.
Phoebe: Okay, Im gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.
Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?
Ross: It does. It really and truly does.
(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After shes gone, Ross frantically tries to
find and read the Does it? part.)
Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in
our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to
her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say Well...)
(yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!
Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, Im gonna break up
with you!
Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here,
(reading from the letter) If you accept full responsibility... (to Chandler
and Joey) Full responsibility! ...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem
like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!
Joey: No?
Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, youre back with Rachel. If you
bring this up now youre gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, youre right. Yeah I guess
Ill let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
Joey: Sure, its hard to forget! But that doesnt mean you have to talk
about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever
talk about.
Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!
Joey: Its between us and the sea, Ross!
(Ross laughs and has a Come on... look on his face as he looks and Chandler
who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)
[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we havent talked in a long time, but umm
okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do
you still have it?
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in
Phoebes face.)
Phoebe: I cant believe you didnt tell me there was a suicide note!
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss
you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
Ursula: Well, its pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read
the poem, right?
Phoebe: Noooo!!
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and
slams the door shut.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating
dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]
Monica: Pass the cheese, please.
(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)
Monica: My God, you cant even look at me! Can you?
Joey: Nope.
(Phoebe enters.)
Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!
Phoebe: No. Im-Im to depressed to talk.
Chandler: Ill give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think
about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!
Rachel: All right, thats it, you guys! What happened out there?
Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over
me.
Ross and Rachel: Come on!
Ross: What happened? Joey?
Joey: All right. (gets up)
Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore wed never tell!
Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) Theyll never understand!
Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! Its eating me
alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I
got stung. Stung bad. I couldnt stand. I-I couldnt walk.
Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We
didnt think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monicas shoulders
but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: Id seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About
jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed
on yourself?!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!
Monica: You cant say that!! You-you dont know!! I mean I thought I was
gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldnt...bend that way.
So... (looks at Joey.)
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!
Joey: Thats right I stepped up! Shes my friend and she needed help! And
if I had too, Id pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldnt. I got the stage
fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to
Chandler.
Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, Do it now!
Do it!! Do it! Do it now!! Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
Joey: (laughs) Thats cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to
freak you out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
Phoebe: (singing) ...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my
bedroommmm. (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the
colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you.
You go away.
Phoebe Sr.: Ill go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there
hasnt been a day where I didnt regret giving you up.
Phoebe: Okay, bye.
Phoebe Sr.: No, Im not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I
didnt look you up was, well I was afraid that youd react, just well like, the
way, the way youre reacting right now, and cant we just, y'know, start from
here?
Phoebe: No.
Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family.
Im family, Im it. Now, now Im done. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: But, its not like were losing anything. Y'know?
Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess youre right.
Phoebe: Its not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything
in common.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, I dont know. I mean its not like we dont have anything
in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.
Phoebe: I-I like pizza!
Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.
Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!
Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?
Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still Im-Im mad at you.
Phoebe Sr.: I know. Im mad at me too.
Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? Im kinda hungry.
Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!
Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now youre just doing it to freak me out.
[Scene: Rachels bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new
relationship.]
Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
Ross: I missed you too.
Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to
everything, it just showed me how much youve grown. Y'know?
Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.
Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never
thought this would work out. It was all, Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadnt lost those four months, but if time was
what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?
Monica: You bet.
[cut back to Rachels bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full
responsibility for!!
Ross: I didnt know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I
didnt finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?!!
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?!
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and
back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen)
(to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means you are,
Y-O-U-R means your!
Rachel: Y'know I cant believe I even thought about getting back
together again! We are so over!!
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when
youre at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!
Monica: Hey!!
Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep
youre gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no dont you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your
letter!!!
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt
happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]
Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.
Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game
naked.
Monica: Will you stop!
Chandler: Okay. All right.
Monica: Okay, all right, I think youre great, I think youre sweet, and
youre smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.