The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion


Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum
Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen



[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]

Chandler: Do you think that thereís a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as youíre driving into town thereís-thereís like a sign, and it says ďYouíre in Sample.Ē (He says it like urine sample.)

Monica: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey!

Rachel: Howíd it go with Pete?!

Joey: Tell us!

Monica: Youíre not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over...

[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. Theyíre both names youíve already heard. Oneís Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]

Billy Crystal: Iím sorry. Ex-excuse us. Iím sorry, itís a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)

Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?

Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.

(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)

Robin: Keep on scooching.

[cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Peteís]

Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm...

(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)

Robin: Why? Why?! Whatís wrong with me?!

Billy: Whatís the matter?

Robin: I have a feeliní... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.

(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)

Billy: How do you know?

Robin: Well y'know, heís got access.

Billy: Yeah.

Robin: Y'know itís that feeling you get, y'know?

Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know youíre in somebody elseís shoes?

Robin: Thatís the one.

[cut back to the gang.]

Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Peteís...

Ross: What happened?

Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...

[cut to Billy and Robin]

Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I donít know, maybe itís my wound.

[cut to the gang]

Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)

Billy: So itís-itís not heeled yet?

Robin: No-no, itís ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any--Oh, thereís the cream.

Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.

Robin: What is it, Tim?

Billy: Itís me, Iíve been sleeping with your wife.

Joey: (to Billy) So youíre the gynaecologist?

Billy: (to Joey) Hey, Iím trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?!

Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!

Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)

[cut to the gang, theyíre all stunned]

Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?

Monica: (pause) I have no idea.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?

Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, donít take his name.

Monica: He didnít ask me to marry him.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: Well then definately donít take his name.

Monica: He wanted to tell me heís gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.

The Guys: Pete?!

Rachel: Why?! What is it?

Monica: I donít know exactly. Itís-itís sorta like wrestling.

Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!

Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.

Joey: And itís not fake, itís totally brutal.

Chandler: Yeah, itís two guys in a ring, and the rules are: ďTheyíre are no rules.Ē

Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull peopleís hair and stuff?

Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.

Monica: Whatís fish hooking?

Ross: Huh, whatís fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Rossís mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?

Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.

[Scene: Chandlerís office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]

Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. Itís good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, letís go out there and get Ďem! Huh? And remember, there is no ĎIí in team.

Chandler: Yes, but thereís two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.

Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! Whatís your name?

Chandler: Oh itís Bing, sir. Iím sorry , I was just ah...

Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but itís also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.]

Ross: (on phone) Thatís right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.

Rachel: Yes!!

Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)

Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?

Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.

Phoebe: Yeesh, whatíd you do about it?

Chandler: Well, I didnít do anything. I didnít want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think itís okay to be that guy.

Joey: Yeah, maybe itís like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)

(Ross throws his hands out in a ďWhat are you doing?Ē gesture)

Rachel: Y'know I donít, I donít understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbiní her boob.

Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between Ďem.

Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?

Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?

Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.

Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, donít give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, donít turn your back to him.

Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?

Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?

(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)

Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date?

Rachel: Oh, ah with who?

Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two arenít together, she asked if I could set it up, but if youíre not cool with it...

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?

Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. Sheís yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...

Rachel: Oh! (laughs) Thatís fine.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)

[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.]

Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?

Pete: I told you, weíre adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?

Hoshi: Itís just hard when I know I have e-mail I canít get!

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.

Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)

Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I donít want you to get hurt, Ďcause I kinda like you.

Pete: Oh, believe me, I donít want to get hurt either. Iím being smart about this. See these guys? Theyíre the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.

Monica: Promise me youíll be careful.

Pete: I promise.

Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?

Pete: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, good, Ďcause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own...

Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!

Monica: How Ďbout just a boom?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?

Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)

Bonnie: Hi!

Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) Youíre Bonnie?

Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?

Rachel: Oh no, Iím sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you.

Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.

Rachel: Oh, that must be it.

Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.

Bonnie: Thanks! You too.

(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)

[cut to outside of Central Perk]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.

Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, sheís not now.

Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair?

Phoebe: I donít know, I hardly ever say that about people.

Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!

Phoebe: Well Iím sorry, I thought you said it was okay.

Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head!

Phoebe: Well, maybe it wonít work out. Maybe Ross wonít like her personality.

Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?

Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnieís the best!

[Scene: Chandlerís office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.]

Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandlerís co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)

Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?

Phil: With him? Youíre is favourite, youíre his guy!

Stevens: We never get smacked.

Chandler: Well, thatís not true, he-he smacked you once.

Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.

Stevens: Iím telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.

Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?

Chandler: No sir.

Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)

[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]

Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!

Monica: God Ross, what is that?

Ross: Yeah, itís the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!

Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! Heís known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!

[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.]

Monica: I love you, Pete!!!

Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! Heís a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!

(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)

Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guyís pretty huge!

Pete: Donít worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponentís strength and weight against him.

Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.

(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths ďI love you.Ē to him.)

Ross: All right! You go get him! Letís go!

Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, ďYes.Ē) Letís get it on!!

(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.)

Pete: Uh-oh.

(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]

Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) Itís me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.

Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant ďYou suck!Ē

Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.

Pete: What, look back?

Monica: Well, youíre not gonna get going are you?

Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Monica: Well, no. But...

Pete: Well Iím not gonna stop until Iím the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!

Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dadís garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.

Monica: You didnít know that already?

Pete: Look, Iím gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.

Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.

Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration.

Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.]

Monica: (joining them) Hey.

Ross: Hey! How long until Peteís fight?

Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now theyíre interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.

Ross: Hot dog?

Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) Iím really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)

Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?

Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasnít expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasnít expecting to like anyone right now, but sheís really terrific.

Phoebe: Ohh, thatís too bad!

Ross: No, I-Iím saying I liked her.

Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea.

Ross: Pheebs, I think sheís great. Okay? Weíre going out again.

Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?

Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which oneís my turkey burger?

Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fightís starting!

Ross: Okay, weíll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?

Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, itís gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow Iím conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fightís over!

(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)

[Scene: Chandlerís office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]

Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!

Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?

Chandler: No, I ah, I didnít do them.

Doug: Oh, you forgot?

Chandler: No, no I just ah, didnít do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly donít deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.

Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) Thatís okay, youíre still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!

Chandler: Doug!!

Doug: Hmm.

Chandler: Iím a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.

Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!

Chandler: No, no. It-itís not about the swearing, itís more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.

Doug: Oh?

Chandler: Oh, and donít get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. Itís just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, itís making all the other guys jealous.

Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! Youíre okay.

Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)

Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!

Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]

Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?

Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, itís Ross and that girl.

(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)

Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) Itís a line of ants! Theyíre working as a team!

Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)

Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Letís go.

Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay thatís, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, thatís what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...

Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.

Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, heís gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.

Phoebe: You said it was okay!

Rachel: You said she was bald!!

Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!

Rachel: Phoebe, we canít, we just canít just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!

Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I donít get it. Arenít you the one that decided that you didnít want to be with Ross?

Rachel: (quietly) Yes.

Phoebe: Well isnít he your friend? Donít you want him to be happy?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: I just y'know, I didnít expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)

Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all.

Rachel: Oh!

(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)

[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]

Pete: Itís okay, itís not as bad as it looks, itís a precaution. Ah, Iím not supposed to move my spine.

Monica: Please tell me youíre stopping now.

Pete: Iím fine! Iíd fight tonight, if theyíd let me. (stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle Iím marking off here? This is my zone of terror.

Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!

Pete: I canít until Iím the ultimate fighter. I will do it. Iím telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, Iím not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.

Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!

Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adamís Apple, but that really hurt.

Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then youíre gonna have to do it without me.

Pete: Well if youíre asking me to quit, then youíre asking me to be someone Iím not. Iíve got to do this.

Monica: Then Iíve gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)

Pete: Mon-Monica?

Monica: Yes?

Pete: Could you leave a note? ĎCause Iím on a lot of pain killers now, and I donít know if Iíll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)

[Scene: Chandlerís office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.]

Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart), so Iím happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldnít have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand)

Chandler: Thank you, sir.

Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident.

Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? Youíre not feeling left out or anything are ya?

Chandler: No. No, not at all, thatís-thatís ridiculous.

Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Donít you?

Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!

Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching.]

TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, heís just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...

Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!

Rachel: Oh, I canít watch this. (turns her eyes away)

Joey: Check it out, heís winning! (to Monica) Peteís winning!

Monica: Really?!

Joey: No-o-o!!

TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.

All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)

Phoebe: Wait, if thatís his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?

Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didnít want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete canít.

All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)

END

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