The One Where Monica and Richard Are Friends
Written by: Michael Borkow
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: A Video Store, Monica is running in to return a video.]
Monica: (to clerk) Hi.
(The clerk enters the video into the computer.)
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. Itís three.
Clerk: Eight oíclock is the cut-off and, (looks at his watch) aww, itís 8:02.
Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, youíre gonna have to help me out here, Ďcause I only have three.
Richard: (standing behind her, without his moustache) I can help with that.
Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi!
Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the clerk) Hey, thanks.
Richard: So, you look great.
Richard: No you do. You... just...
Richard: Youíve got panties stuck to your leg.
Monica: (removes them) Thatís because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and itís static cling. Or maybe itís just that God knew Iíd be running into you and saw an opportunity.
Richard: Itís good to see you.
Monica: Itís good to see you too.
(They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monicaís back, which he removes for her.)
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: You see that guy? Heís in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave heís going straight to the porn.
Richard: Heís gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (they both laugh) This is nice.
Richard: I missed this.
Monica: Me too.
Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something?
Monica: Oh, um, I donít know if thatís a good idea.
Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I wonít grope you. I promise.
Monica: No, I just I think that itís too soon.
Richard: No itís not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross. Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Chandler is holding a bottle of Herseyís Syrup.]
Chandler: Yeah, baby!
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?
Ross: No thanks. Iím 29.
Rachel: (looking at her watch) Oh my God, I gotta go to work!
Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think youíre going to get off tonight?
Rachel: Oh I donít know honey. Itís gonna be really late.
Ross: Oh come on, not again.
Rachel: I know. Iím sorry. Look, Iíll make a deal with you all right? Okay?
Rachel: For every night that youíre asleep before I get home from work...
Rachel: I will wake you up in a way thatís proved very popular in the past.
Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.
Phoebe: (entering, holding a pair of Roller Blades) Hi.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?
Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal thatís heís going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.
Ross: And what are you going to do for him?
Phoebe: Iím going to let him.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Morning.
Rachel: Somebody got in late last night.
Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard.
(They all gasp)
Rachel: When did this happen?
Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger.
Phoebe: Oh, thereís no such thing as an innocent burger.
Ross: So, are you gonna see him again?
Monica: Tomorrow night.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now sheís celebrating that by going on a date with him.
Monica: Itís not a date, okay. Iím just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has.
Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know youíll probably be hungry after the sex.
Monica: Weíre not gonna have sex! Okay, nothingís changed here. He still doesnít want children and I still do, so thatís why weíre just gonna be friends.
Ross: Naked friends.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey.
Rachel: Do you have any ice?
Joey: Check the freezer. If thereís none in there, then weíre probably out. Are you just getting in from work? Itís late.
Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?
Joey: I discovered Iím able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.
Rachel: Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?
Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.
Rachel: But ah, youíre safe from it if itís in the freezer?
Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure weíve got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
Rachel: How often do you read it?
Joey: Havenít you ever read the same book over and over again?
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean thatís a classic, whatís so great about The Shining?
Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet itís way better than that classic of yours.
Rachel: Okay. Ah, well weíll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, (she tries to take the book away from him but he doesnít want to let it go) and you will read Little Women.
Joey: All right, you got it.
Rachel: All right.
Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there, Phoebe is entering with her date Robert.]
Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
Chandler: Oh, hey.
Phoebe: (to Robert) Youíve have lipstick right here (points to her cheek). Thatís okay, itís mine, we just kissed.
Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isnít a bit cold out for shorts?
Robert: Well, Iím from California.
Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames.
(Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and allows Chandler to see up his shorts and sees Ďlittle Robert.í Chandler is horrified by this view.)
Chandler: (standing up) Iím up! Iím up, Iíve gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?
Phoebe: Iíll have coffee.
Robert: Yeah, me too.
Ross: Yeah, make that three.
Chandler: Okay Ross, why donít you come with me?
Ross: Okay. (goes over to the counter) (to Chandler) What ah, what is the matter with you? Whatís going on?
Chandler: Robertís coming out.
Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?
Chandler: No. He.....heís coming out of his shorts.
Chandler: The man is showing brain.
Ross: Are you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold on. (walks over behind the couch) Iím sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a....
Robert: We could write it down for you?
Ross: No, no, that wonít be ah, that wonít be necessary (leans down and looks up Robertís shorts, seeing Robertís package.)
Chandler: (to Ross) Wellll?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?
Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it.
Chandler: Like an eclipse.
(Ross nods his head.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching Richard how to make lasagne.]
Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say?
Monica: You say ĎThank you very much,í and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, weíre gonna put are hands in this bowl, and weíre gonna start squishing the tomatoes.
(They both start squishing the tomatoes.)
Richard: Ew, this feels very weird.
Monica: You touch peopleís eyeballs every day and this feels weird.
Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) Thatís my hand.
Monica: Gotta keep squishing.
Richard: Tomatoes are squishing.
(Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands on his shirt.)
Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.
Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it (does so) and it should umm, be.....
(She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.)
Monica: Umm, youíve got some on your pants.
Richard: Iíll just throw them out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey read Little Women, Ross is also there.]
Joey: These little women. Wow!
Chandler: Your liking it, huh?
Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Joís manuscript. I donít see how he could ever forgive her.
Ross: Umm, Joís a girl, itís short for Josephine.
Joey: But Joís got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean itís like a girl-girl thing? ĎCause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
Chandler: No, actually Laurieís a boy.
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
(Enter Phoebe and Robert)
Ross: Hey! Howíd the ah, basketball go?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer.
Chandler: You mean a three pointer?
Phoebe: Oh, I get more because Iím dainty.
Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?
Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter?
Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock.
(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)
Joey: (noticing Chandler) What are you doing? (he pushes Chandler back to his side of the couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees Robert in all his glory) Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, Iím Joey, we havenít met.
Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert.
(Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert? (the guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?!
Ross: Calm down. Thereís no reason to get testy.
(The guys start laughing harder.)
Phoebe: You guys!! Come on!
Chandler: Iím sorry, Iím sorry, it just seems that Robert isnít as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Robert: Hey. (sits down)
Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies?
(He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the cookies, and Phoebe sees what the guys are laughing at, and gasps.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to Richard on the phone.]
Monica: So, howíd the lasagne go over? (listens) Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty things. (listens) Yeah, Iíve been thinking a lot about you too. (listens) I know. Itís hard this whole platonic thing. (listens) Itís a word!
(Thereís a knock on the door.)
Monica: Yeah, I do think itís better this way. (listens) Yeah, weíre being smart. (gets up to answer the door) (listens) Yes, Iím sure.(she opens the door and itís Richard)
Richard: You really sure?
Monica: Iíll call you back. (starts kissing him)
[Scene: Monicaís bedroom, sheís in bed with Richard.]
Monica: So we can be friends who sleep together.
Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.
Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?
Richard: Just your dad. (pause) Although thatís actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sisterís neighbour next Tuesday.
Richard: You want me to cancel it?
Monica: No! (pushes him) No!
Monica: ĎCause if you do that means youíd be cancelling it for me, and weíre just friends.
Richard: Exactly. (pushes her back)
[Scene: Central Perk, Robert is picking up Phoebe for a date.]
Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Donít sit down!
Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage?
Phoebe: Yeah. And, first hereís a gift.
Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey!
Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I donít think I can wear these, theyíre so tight, I feel like Iím on display. Iím sorry.
Phoebe: Thatís all right, thatís well, I figured.... (they start to leave as Joey enters.)
Robert: (to Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! (starts to laugh.) Howís it going?
Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?
Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
Joey: Oooh, the next partís the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...
Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on youíre gonna ruin it!
Joey: All right Iíll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
Chandler: Hmmm, thatís very cool.
Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, makeís blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!
Rachel: Joey! I canít believe you just did that!
Chandler: I canít believe she cracked your code!
Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though sheís still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad.
Rachel: Eh. Beth dies.
(Joey recoils and gasps in horror.)
Joey: Beth, Beth dies?
Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesnít die, she doesnít die. Does she Rachel?
Ross: Joeyís asking if youíve just ruined the first book heís ever loved that didnít star Jack Nicholson?
Rachel: No. She doesnít die.
Joey: Then why would you say that?!
Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you.
Robert: (running in) Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys.
(He bends over to pick them up, right in front of Rachel, who then gets a free peep show.)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my....
Robert: Got Ďem.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters.]
Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. Iím sorry.
Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, (opens her coat revealing a large burn mark over her left breast.) in a grill fire.
(Rachel starts laughing.)
Monica: What are you smiling at?
Rachel: Iím sorry, I was just thinking youíre day could still pick up.
Monica: Yeah, right.
(She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)
Monica: I love this friend thing!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there.]
Phoebe: Listen, Robertís gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him?
Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see him itís like ĎIs it on the lose?í ĎIs it watching me?í
Chandler: We canít tell him, you canít go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.
Ross: Heís right, even if itís to say something complementary. (He stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Robert: (entering) Hey!
Robert: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym? Theyíve got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.
Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here.
Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert...
Ross: (to Chandler) Hey, donít we have to...
Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm.
Phoebe: Umm, I think youíre really, really great...
Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (spreads his legs) Is it something Iím putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I donít know, I donít know what to say.
Gunther: (cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house.
(Robert looks down and realises the problem.)
[Scene: Richardís bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.]
Richard: (outside the bedroom) Really?! Well, itís just like everyone elseís apartment. Itís got rooms, walls, and ceilings.
Richardís Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour.
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as Richard starts the tour.)
Richard: Ah well, this is the living room.
Richardís Date: Impressive.
Richard: All right. This is the kitchen.
Richardís Date: Oh, thatís real pretty. Wait a minute, donít I get to see the bedroom?
Richard: The bedroom. Well itís pretty much your typical... (opens the door as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the room.) bedroom.
Richardís Date: Weíre still on this side of the door.
Richardís Date: Yeah, but I didnít get to see it.
Richard: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. (yawns) Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows her out)
[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and sits down next to her.]
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um, who was she?
Richard: Oh, (laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it to today.
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you like her? And Iím just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this.
Richard: Well, you seem fine.
Monica: (gets up) Okay, y'know what, Iím not fine, Iím not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom.... (pause) Y'know what, what if weíre friends who donít see other people?
Richard: You mean like exclusive friends?
Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever.
Richard: Wow. Y'know weíre back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothingís changed.
Monica: Thatís not true, you donít have a moustache.
Richard: Okay, okay, one thingís changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end.
Monica: Y'know what, Iíve got to walk out of here right now, Ďcause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I donít think I could do it again.
Richard: I know I couldnít. So....
(Monica kisses him.)
Monica: How Ďbout one last game of racquetball?
(They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.)
Monica: Watch the thorns!
Richard: (lying down) Ow!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, and heís very dejected.]
Joey: Beth is really, really sick.
Joey: Joís there, but I donít think thereís anything she could do.
(Rachel hugs him)
Rachel: Do you want to put the book in the freezer?
Joey: (nodding his head) Okay.
(Joey hands her the book and she puts it in the freezer.)