The One Where Rachel Quits
Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I donít, I donít know.
Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?
Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?
Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?
Gunther: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever.
Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?
Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah?
[Scene: The hallway of Rossís building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.]
Sarah: So thatís two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping itís wings.)
Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.
Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine.
(they both start up the stairs.)
Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three ĎPís of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah whoís started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gangís all there discussing the incident.]
Monica: You broke a little girlís leg?!!
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?
Ross: Well, Iím gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think sheíll like?
Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk...
(Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.)
Rachel: Iím gonna get back to retraining. (gets up)
Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave)
Chandler: Look out kids, heís coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)
Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, donít! I forgot I am totally against that now.
Joey: What? Me having a job?
Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Joey: Well, Iím pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.
(Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.)
Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, itís the only chance to see New York.
[cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
Gunther: ...and after youíve delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray....
Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, Iíve worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. (points to the counter.)
Gunther: What if you put them here. (sets the empty tray on another stack of empty trays on the back counter.)
Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know thatís actually a really good idea, because that way theyíll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.
Gunther: They already do. Thatís why they call it the Ďtray spot.í
Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, Iím, Iím sorry. (walks away)
Gunther: Itís all right. Sweetheart.
[Scene: Sarahís bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.]
Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, donít have to sell those cookies anymore.
Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh?
Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, heíd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.
Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.
Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says heís gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?
Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.
Sarah: So far, Iíve sold seventy-five.
Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes?
Sarah: Five dollars a box.
Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second prize?
Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, Iíd rather have something my Dad couldnít sell.
Ross: Well, that makes sense.
Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if itís not too much trouble?
Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we donít have a TV, the lady across the alley said sheíd push hers up to a window, so I could watch it.
[Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies for Sarah, he stops and knocks on a door.]
Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross standing in the hallway.) Yesss?
Ross: Hi, Iím selling Brown Bird cookies.
Woman: Youíre no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.
Ross: No, hi, Iím, Iím an honorary Brown Bird (does the Brown Bird salute.)
Woman: What does that mean?
Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but Iím not invited to sleep-overs.
Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away!
Ross: No, please, please, um, itís for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.
Woman: Iím pressing, a policeman is on his way.
Ross: Okay, okay! Iím going. Iím going. (goes across the hall to knock on another door.)
Woman: I can still see you!
Ross: All right!!
[Scene: Joeyís work, selling Christmas trees.]
Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey.
Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh...
Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas....
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joeyís co-workers, walks by with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesnít look very fulfilled.
Joey: Oh, thatís, thatís ah, one of the old ones, heís just taking it to the back.
Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.
Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys?
Joey: Well, they go into the chipper.
Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling thatís not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joeyís shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!! (makes the Ďcut ití motion with his hands)
[Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel whoís still being retrained, about the different cookie options.]
Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus.
Joey: All right, Iíll take a box of the cream filled Jesusís.
Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, Iím trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, Iím putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?
Ross: No, but ah, thereís coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, Iíll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.
(Chandler mouths ĎOkay.í)
Monica: All right, Iíll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and thatís it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross) Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?
Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know Iím sure thatís not gonna happen this time, why donít I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolphís.
Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want Ďem.
Monica: Donít, donít, donít, donít, donít do this.
Ross: Iíll tell you what Mon, Iíll give you the first box for free.
Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh God! I gotta go! (runs out)
Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating Ďem! (chases after her.)
[cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we donít just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.
Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) Iím training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.
Joey: Look Rach, wasnít this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?
Rachel: Well, yeah! Iím still pursuing that.
Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?
Rachel: Well, Iím also sending out.... good thoughts.
Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, youíve got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.
Rachel: The fear?
Chandler: Heís right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.
Rachel: Well then how come youíre still at a job that you hate, I mean why donít you quit and get Ďthe fearí?
(Chandler and Joey both laugh)
Chandler: Because, Iím too afraid.
Rachel: I donít know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just donít want to be 30 and still work here.
Chandler: Yeah, thatíd be much worse than being 28, and still working here.
Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.
Rachel: Canít I just look at the handles on them?
Gunther: You would think.
Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why Iím a terrible waitress? Because, I donít care. I donít care. I donít care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I donít care where the tray spot is, I just donít care, this is not what I want to do. So I donít think I should do it anymore. Iím gonna give you my weeks notice.
Rachel: Gunther, I quit.
Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean weíre gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much heís sold.]
Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What?
Chandler: I spelled out boobies.
Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Rossís cookie supply) Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures?
Ross: Ah, weíre out. I sold them all.
Ross: Monica, Iím cutting you off.
Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-itís no big deal, all right, Iím-Iím cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.
Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the bathroom)
Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far?
Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes!
Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?
Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as ĎLaser Floydí was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! Thatís when it occurred to me, the key to my success, Ďthe munchies.í So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!'
Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what youíre doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers.....
Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?
Chandler: Me! On my computer.
Ross: Well you sure used a large font.
Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey thatís funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!
Chandler: Something else I might have said?
Rachel: I donít know, I donít know, werenít you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!!
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, itís gonna be okay.
Rachel: No, itís not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I donít have a lead. Okay, y'know what, Iím just gonna, Iím just gonna call Gunther and Iím gonna tell him, Iím not quitting.
Chandler: You-you-you donít wanna give into the fear.
Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear....
Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got great news!
Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)
Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?
Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview?
Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey.
Joey: Not a problem.
Joey: And now for the great news.
Ross: What, that wasnít the great news?
Joey: Only if you think itís better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.
Monica: Christmas cookie?
[Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.]
Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now itís a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.
Guy: Looks good. Iíll take it.
Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you donít want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to the almost dead tree she has)
Guy: Itís-itís-itís almost dead!
Phoebe: Okay but thatís why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil itís Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey
Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that donít fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.
Guy: I-I think Iím gonna look around a little bit more.
Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here.
Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. Iím here to pick out my Christmas tree.
Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this oneís yours! Ahhh.
Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year?
Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! Iím sorry, Iím sorry, I didnít mean to get so emotional, I guess itís just the holidays, itís hard.
Monica: Oh honey, is that Ďcause your Mom died around Christmas?
Phoebe: Oh, I wasnít even thinking about that.
Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a Ďway-to-goí thumbs up and smile.)
[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.]
Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell?
Girl: Iím not gonna tell you! Youíre the bad man who broke Sarahís leg.
Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay.
Girl: Youíre a big scrud.
Ross: Whatís a scrud?
Girl: Why donít you look in the mirror, scrud.
Ross: I donít have too. I can just look at you.
Leader: All right girls, and man. Letís see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.
Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough.
Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good.
Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud.
Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.
Ross: Thatís crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute)
Leader: Whoís next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, whoís feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)
Ross: Hi there!
Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.
Chandler: (to Rachel, whoís entering) Hey! Howíd the interview go?
Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldnít of even hired me.
Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, youíre gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) Thatís not how that was supposed to come out.
Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever.
Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.
Rachel: I canít! Itís too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her, sheís even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans.
Ross: That word was swans.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming up the stairs.]
Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas.
(They start to go into Monica and Rachelís, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joeyís work.)
Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God!
Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the couch) Merry Christmas!!
Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, youíre the best!
Chandler: Itís like ĎNight of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.í
Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens) Yeah, this is she. (listens) Oh! Youíre kidding! Youíre kidding! (listens) Oh thank you! I love you!
Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
Rachel: (hanging up the phone) I got the job!
All: Thatís great! Hey! Excellent!
Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last cup of coffee.]
Rachel: Here we go. Iím serving my last cup of coffee. (the gang starts humming the graduation theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer)
Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?
Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, itís just time to move on. (at the counter Gunther starts to cry and runs into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again.
[Scene: Rachelís new job, Rachelís boss is telling her what to do.]
Rachelís Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, Ďcause this partís tricky, see some people use filters just once.
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandlerís.]
Ross: Iím, Iím sorry you didnít get to go to Spacecamp, and Iím hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttleís Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)
Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you donít have to do this.
Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up and puts her in the chair) Stand by for mission countdown!
Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in the back of the head) Okay, Blast off!
(They start shaking the chair likes itís flying into outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair and saying...)
Chandler: Iím an alien. Iím an alien.
Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off the back of Joeyís head.)
(The camera zooms in on Sarah and she has a big smile on her face.)