The One With The Giant Poking Device
Written by: Adam Chase
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.]
Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?
Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)
(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)
Chandler: Okay, Iím not gonna have one.
Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.)
Phoebe: No, no, itís just my tooth.
Chandler: All right Iíll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)
Ross: So whatís a matter, you need a dentist? Iíve got a good one.
Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I canít see him.
Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.
Ross: Why? Why canít you go to him?
Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienistís blouse.
Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend ĎAlbino Bobí.
Rachel: And all these people actually died?
Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! Thatís why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, itís not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didnít kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. Itís, itís, itís just ah, a coincidence.
Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You canít, their dead.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?
Gunther: Oh, like you donít already have everything.
Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.)
Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if youíre my next victim, donít come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Although, donít feel like you canít visit.
Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?
Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no heís not.
Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.
Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?
Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.
Rachel: Joey, you canít keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.
Joey: Itíll kill him. I mean itíll, itíll just kill him.
Phoebe: Well, you could wait Ďtil I go to the dentist, maybe Iíll kill him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.]
Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. Itís like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.
Phoebe: Well, Iím going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out)
Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Ross: Well, they painted over the word ĎSapiení for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, letís just leave it at that.
Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
Ross: Yes, thatís what I was going to ask, thank you.
Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?
Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths ĎDonít worry, Iíll be here the whole time.í to Ross.) Yes! Thatíd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths ĎYeah!í and holds up her thumb.)
Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?
Joey: Iíve got a science question.
Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact ĎHomo-sapiení, is that why there extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey-hey, Iím not judging.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.]
Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think heís bored.
Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) Weíre gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Benís head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)
[cut to later]
Monica: (to Ben) Whoís so brave, youíre so brave, yes you are, youíre so brave.
Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, heís fine, heís fine, letís just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See thatís a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Monica: Heís not gonna say anything, because weíre not gonna tell him.
Rachel: Weíre not?!
Monica: No weíre not.
Rachel: All right, I like that.
Rachel: So weíre okay, weíre okay, weíre okay, (starts to exam Ben) arenít we? No, weíre not okay, weíre not okay, thereís a bump, thereís a bump.
Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!
Rachel: I cannot push it in!
Monica: Okay, weíre gonna need a distraction.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.
Monica: I got it!
Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!
Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.
Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.
Rachel: We need a hat..
Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, Iíll get ĎRainy Day Bearí!! (runs to get him)
Monica: Because heíll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear thatís dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, youíre a genius!
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, itís sowed on though.
Monica: Give it. Give it.
(Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.)
Monica and Rachel: Oh!!
Rachel: Oh, itís just like a bloodbath in here today.
[Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.]
Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?
Joey: Iíd really prefer a mountain bike.
Chandler: Janiceís birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.
Chandler: Thatís a good idea, ĎDear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthdayí. I would like to get her something serious.
Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.
Chandler: All right. Look, Iím gonna go in here, and you donít buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store)
Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you canít, you canít, okay, you canít, you canít buy her pearls, you just canít, you canít, you canít.
Chandler: Why not?!
Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, hereís the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is...
Chandler: What is the thing?
Joey: Okay. I went down to the ĎMattress Kingí showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband.
Chandler: (shocked) What?
Joey: They were in his office.
Chandler: Well she, she wouldnít do that, sheís with, sheís with me.
Joey: Iím telling you man, I saw it.
Chandler: Yeah, well, youíre wrong! Okay, youíre wrong.
Joey: Iím not wrong! I wish I was. Iím sorry. Bet that barium enema doesnít sound so bad now, huh?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.]
Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.
Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.
Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! Youíre alive! Youíre alive!
Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didnít I?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, weíll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.
Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.
Phoebe: (on phone) ĎHey! Youíre not dead! Okay, see ya!í
Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?
Ben: Monica bang!
Rachel: Okay, I heard that.
Monica: Did he just say ĎMonica bangí?
Monica: Oh my God! Heís gonna rat me out!
Ben: Monica bang!
Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. Itís no big deal, itís not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isnít that fun?
Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, Iím stopping now.
Monica: You okay?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if itís not a headboard, itís just not worth it.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.]
Janice: (entering) Howís my Bing-a-ling?
Chandler: Ah, I donít know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.
Janice: Why are your eyes so white?
Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, itís because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!
Janice: Oh my God!!
Chandler: All right!
Janice: How did you know?
Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
Janice: In the park?
Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?
Janice: Just those two!
Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!
Janice: Oh, Iím sorry honey, Iím so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! Iím so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I canít breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?
Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.
(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.)
Janice: The receipt.
Chandler: Iíll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) Iím gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)
Janice: I donít know.
Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If youíre alive you answer your phone!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Monica: Okay, Ben, I wonít tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you donít tell about our little bonking incident.
Rachel: Monica, number one, I donít think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?!
Joey: You said number two.
Rachel: I also said number one.
Joey: I know. (giggles harder)
Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.
Ross: Howís my little boy?
Rachel: Heís perfect, heís never been better.
Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) Whatíd you do, take him whaling?
Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, thatís great! Good job Ben.
Ben: Monica bang!
Monica: Oh thatís right, thatís what Iíd sound like if I exploded.
Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.
Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.)
[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.
Rachel: Well maybe heís just taking a nap.
Joey: Iím telliní ya, he hasnít moved since this morning.
Monica: All right, we should call somebody.
Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isnít moving.
Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if heís alive.
Monica: How are we gonna do that? Thereís no way.
Joey: Well, there is one way. His windowís open, I say, we poke him.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food?
Joey: Well, now we got a reason.
Joey: Well, weíre fashioning a very long poking device.
Chandler: All right.
Joey: Hey uh, whatís a matter?
Chandler: I talked to Janice.
Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?
Chandler: She doesnít know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I canít even return them, because she choked on the reciept!
Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: I donít know, y'know. What, what, would you do?
Joey: Well, it doesnít matter what I would do.
Chandler: Come on, tell me.
Joey: All right, youíre probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.
Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?
Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. Theyíre like, theyíre like a family, and if, I donít know, thereís chance they could make that work, I know I wouldnít want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachelís room.]
Ross: Well, heís finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?
Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure itís ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, Iíve always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
Ross: Itís okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.
Rachel: (confidently) I did!
Ross: I know! Iím saying you have to watch them all the time.
Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!
Ross: Monica did it?
(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)
Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?
Monica: No. Why?
Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly heís leaving out Ďeí and Ďf.í Itís like they just ah, I donít know, fell out of his head.
Ross: Oh, and also, heís, heís walkiní kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and heís in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle)
Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)
Rachel: I hope itís still funny when youíre in hell.
Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room)
Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!
Rachel: Iíll get the hat.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.]
Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because itís, itís, itís not gonna be easy.
Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I donít wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know ĎYouíre the reason, you are the reason why their not together.í and I hated that guy. And it didnít matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.
Chandler: Yeah, well. Itís the right thing to do.
Janice: Oh! Youíre right. Oh God. But, before I can say Ďgood-byeí, thereís something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, itís like, I finally understand what Lionel Richieís been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, itís like movie love, youíre my soulmate, and I canít believe weíre not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.
Chandler: Then donít leave me!
Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!
Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-Iíve got to give my marriage another chance.
Chandler: No you donít! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.
Janice: (standing up) Iím sorry. (hugs him)
Chandler: Ohhh. Donít go.
Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesnít let her go.)
Chandler: No. No! No! No!
Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking.
Chandler: I donít care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I donít care!!
Janice: Yeah, um, Iím, Iím leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandlerís grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)
Chandler: You canít leave! I have your shoe!
Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe)
Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.]
Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.
Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked manís life hangs in the balance!
Phoebe: Iím telling you heís dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.
Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, letís poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, weíre approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)
Phoebe: Heís alive! Heís a-live!!!
Monica: And yet, weíre still poking him.
Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: Hey-hey, now heís showing us his poking device.
Joey: Hey, thatís never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album]
Chandler: (singing) ĎIíll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I canít resist your charms. And love....í
Phoebe: (joining him) ĎLove....í
Chandler and Phoebe: ĎIíll be a fool for you. Iím sure, you know I donít mind.í
Chandler: (high pitched) ĎNo you know I donít mind.í
Chandler and Phoebe: ĎYes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh..í
Chandler: ĎI know.í
Phoebe: ĎI know.í
Chandler: ĎIíve found.í
Phoebe: ĎIíve found....í
Chandler and Phoebe: Ď...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love.í (they both look at each other.) ĎMy endless love.í (once again they donít match tones, and they just look at each other)