The One With The Flashback
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.]
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there including Janice.]
Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?
Phoebe: Wow, itís like a dirty math problem.
Ross: Iím sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Joey: Well, thatís really a different question.
Janice: Iím sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica and Rachel: What?!!
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but letís say there was. How might that go?
Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost?
Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee?
Ross: Yeah, Iíll take some.
Joey: Hey, thereís a dog out there!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebeís, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there]
Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.
Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, Iíll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe Iím sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
Phoebe: You didnít leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Monica: Oh, then it mustíve been you. Bye. (leaves)
Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) Thatís why I moved out.
Ross: Hey, y'know while weíre on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you donít live here anymore.
Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows.
Ross: Phoebe, she doesnít know that you sneak out every night, she doesnít know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesnít know that youíve been living with your Grandmotherís for a week now.
Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.
Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey.
Chandler: Iím never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well letís see, there was the guy with the ferrets, thatís plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who Iím not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone ĎChandler Bing,í he said ĎWhoa-whoa, short message.í
Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table), foot on the floor or come over no more!
Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.
Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...
Chandler: Umm, howís it going with you guys?
Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesnít really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think itís gonna make a difference
[Scene: Chandlerís, Chandler is interviewing a potential roommate.]
Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?
Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope thatís cool.
Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.
Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sisterís beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, sheís a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half)
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think youíre chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
[Scene: Chandlerís, Chandler is interviewing Joey.]
Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye.
Joey: Donít you ah, donít you wanna ask me any questions?
Chandler: Sure. Ummm. Whatís up?
Joey: Well, ah, Iím an actor. Iím fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and donít worry Iím totally okay with the gay thing.
Chandler: What gay thing?
Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. Iím totally cool with that.
[Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.]
Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.
(Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him)
(Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler ĎOh my God!í)
[Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hey, Mon.
Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.
Chandler: Do I ever.
Monica: Chris says theyíre closing down the bar.
Chandler: No way!
Monica: Yeah, apparently theyíre turning it into some kinda coffee place.
Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?
Monica: Got me.
Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate?
Chandler: You betcha!
Monica: Is it the Italian guy?
Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right!
Monica: Heís so cute.
Chandler: Oh yes, and thatís what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.
Monica: Oh look, the pool tableís free. Rack Ďem up. Iíll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Chandler: Okay, but after that, weíre shootiní some pool.
Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I donít think this is.
Waitress: I am so sorry.
Rachel: Thatís all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?
Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS
Rachel: Ummm, I think itís time to see the ring again. (holds her hand out and they all scream)
Friend No. 2: Oh, isnít it exciting, I mean itís like having a boyfriend for life.
Rachel: Yeah, I know.
Friend No. 1: What?
Rachel: Oh, I donít know. Well maybe itís just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I donít know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely)
Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!
Friend No. 2: Youíre so bad!
Rachel: Iím serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see.
(Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.)
Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel: Yeah, so?
Chandler: (picks it up) And now Iíve picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, her ring)
Monica: Oh my God, you canít even see where the Titanic hit it.
Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, heís a doctor, thank you very much.
Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations
Rachel: Thank you. So how-how Ďbout you, are-are you seeing anybody?
Monica: Aww, not right now.
Rachel: Oh, but thatís okay.
Monica: I know.
(An awkward silence)
Monica: So, Iíll get-get back to my friend.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a ĎRemember me?í thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time Iím in the city?
Monica: Oh, thatíd be great.
Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebeís, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]
Ross: No real-, honey, really itís fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Phoebe: So what are they doing?
Ross: I donít know, something girlie.
Phoebe: (to Monica, whoís entering) Hey, youíre early.
Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?
Phoebe: Iím just taking it to be re-wired.
Monica: Oh, well donít take it to the same place you took the stereo, Ďcause theyíve had that thing for over a week.
(There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles)
Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: Youíre disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You donít play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Phoebe: Then Iím gonna have to ask you to keep it down. (slams the door in his face.)
(in the hallway, Eric is moving in)
Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
Eric: Hi, Iím Eric, Iím gonna be Chandlerís new roommate.
Mr. Heckles: Iím Chandlerís new roommate.
Eric: I-I-I donít think so.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandlerís new roommate.
Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric: Thatís weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, Iím going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)
(inside Chandlerís apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
[Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is leaving.]
Monica: Hi, again.
Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)
Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!
Monica: Thank you soo, much.
Chandler: Oh, donít thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
(Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up a heavy box)
Monica: You want some help with that?
Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I donít!
Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?
Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
Monica: Itís the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and then pulls it away) And-and the humidity.
Joey: Thatís a uh, thatís a tough combination.
Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Joey: Like you wouldnít believe. (they go into the apartment) Wow! This is a great place.
Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
Monica: This place is really my Grandmotherís. (Joey starts to take off all of his clothes, while Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, Iím 87 year old woman, whoís afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty?
Joey: Oh, you bet I am!
Monica: (turning around) Okay, hereís your penis!
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Joey: Whoa, ah!! Weíre you just gonna give me some lemonade?
Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
Joey: Oh right, right.
Monica: I donít believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex?
Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. Iím such a jerk.
Monica: Itís okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebeís, Monica is vacuuming.]
Monica: Whereís your bed?
Phoebe: Itís not in the apartment? (Monica gives a ĎCome oní look) Oh no. I canít believe this is happening again.
Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-Iíve, I donít live here anymore.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Iím sorry, I-I-I-I donít live here anymore. I-I didnít know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows!
Monica: Everybody knows!
Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldnít sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.
Phoebe: Yeah, I wouldíve except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side.
Phoebe: Okay, this is what Iím talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill.
Monica: You can spill. In the sink.
Phoebe: Aw, honey itís not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I donít see that happening.
Monica: I love you, too.
Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?
Monica: What? Iím just said.
Phoebe: No youíre not, youíre wondering which cushion it is.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his bedroom.]
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
Chandler: Whatís it about?
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Whoís she?
Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
(Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.)
Chandler: Wow! Look at them run.
Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
Chandler: Yeah, Iíll go get one.
Joey: No, no, no, donít get up, I got a cooler right here.
[Scene: Monicaís, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Well, hello!
Chandler: Do you have any beers? Weíre out of beers.
Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself.
Chandler: You okay?
Monica: Phoebe moved out.
Monica: I donít understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I donít have a boyfriend?
Chandler: Noo!! You donít have a boyfriend because....I donít, I donít know why you donít have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.
Monica: Well, I think so.
Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman Iíve ever known in real life.
[Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the bar, they are the only two in the place.]
Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody?
Phoebe: Oh, itís already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong?
Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why?
Ross: ĎCause Carolís a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And, and Iím not one. And apparently itís not a mix and match situation.
Phoebe: Oh my God! I donít believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.
Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) Iím an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and Iíd be out and sheíd, sheíd see some beautiful woman, and, and sheíd be Ross y'know look at her, and Iíd think, God, my wife is cool!
Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?
Ross: Well, now I do!!
Phoebe: Iím sorry.
Ross: Seven years. I mean weíve been together seven years, sheís the only woman whoís ever loved me, and the only woman Iíve-Iíve ever....
Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh.(goes over and hugs him)
[Scene: Monicaís, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.]
Chandler: Umm, this is nice.
Monica: I know, it is isnít it?
Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?
Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too.
Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.
Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, itís, itís gonna be....
Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves)
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
Ross: Maybe this wouldíve happened if Iíd been more nurturing, or Iíd paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I canít believe this!
Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you donít deserve this, you donít Ross. Youíre, youíre really, youíre so good. (kisses him on the cheek)
Phoebe: And youíre so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And youíre kind (kisses him on the lips)
Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips)
(They pause, and they the start kissing passionately, and taking off each others clothes, and they start to lie down on the pool table.)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking the balls to the other end of the table, but they all bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw them into the pockets.)
Phoebe: Okay, itís okay.
(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool table.)
Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait.
Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket.
Ross: No, I canít get it out.
Phoebe: Well, thatís not something a girl wants to hear.
Ross: No, come on donít start. (they start kissing again) Ouch!
Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)
(They both look at each other and start laughing (Lisa almost lost it there), and sit up. Ross hits his head on the lamp again.)
Ross: Oh well. It probably wouldíve been the most constructive solution.
Phoebe: You have chalk on your face.
Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gang enters)
Phoebe: Oh, Ross youíre right, I donít know why I always thought this was real grass.
Monica: Hey, are you okay?
Ross: My wifeís a lesbian.
Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)
[Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel enters.]
Chandler: I canít believe you came back.
Rachel: Donít say anything. I donít wanna speak, I donít wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now.
(She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and Itís That Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.)
Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her dream, sheís in her car driving back from the city)
Friend No. 2: You missed the exit!
Rachel: Oh, sorry.
Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about?
Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry.
Her Friends: Awwww!!