Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
MONICA: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already?
CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)
JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.
ROSS: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?
CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?
ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.
ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.
(They go back into the living room)
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
JOEY: Uh, does it hurt?
CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore.
CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it?
CAROL: As much as he needs.
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]
JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones.
JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one?
ALL: No thanks.
JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)
RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.
JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?
PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you.
ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey.
CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums.
ROSS: Hello to the rest.
JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?
MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
MONICA: But I'm--
PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.
ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.
MONICA: You're welcome.
PHOEBE: Woof, woof.
[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle.
ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?
ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.
JOEY: What's he doin' in my section?
ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know.
JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'?
JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.
TODD: Your territory, huh?
JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men?
GUY: No thanks.
GUY: Yeah. All right.
TODD: You were saying?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]
MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch.
PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have?
MONICA: You had a salad.
PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.
PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
RACHEL: You went shopping for fur?
PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.
RACHEL: You bought boobs?
PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.
ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
TODD: Ready, Annabelle?
ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time?
JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.
ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.
SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute.
SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him.
ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever.
MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye.
RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew?
MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.
PHOEBE: Ben, dinner!
ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.
PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok.
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what?
ROSS: It's breast milk.
RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.
JOEY: What is the big deal?
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?
PHOEBE: You won't even taste it?
PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?
ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.
MONICA: Hey, where is everybody?
RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?
MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.
RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?
MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.
RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket
MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?
RACHEL: You were with Julie?
MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.
RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.
MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out.
RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.
MONICA: That is not true!
RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?
MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?
RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.
MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve.
CAROL: How did we do?
PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.
ROSS: I did not freak out.
CAROL: Why'd you freak out?
ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.
CAROL: My breast milk is gross?
SUSAN: This should be fun.
ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it.
ROSS: That would be no.
PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh--
SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice.
ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it.
SUSAN: Uh huh.
ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it.
SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.
ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.
JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.
JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?
JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.
CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
JOEY: I'm gonna do it.
CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
MONICA: I don't know what else to say.
RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.
MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
MONICA: It's that terrible?
RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you.
MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.
RACHEL: I love you too.
PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.
MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?
RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that.
MONICA: I'd do anything for you.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.
TODD: I heard ya.
STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?
JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready.
CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!
STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?
TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?
JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?
RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.
RACHEL: Really? Me?
JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.
RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid.
RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.
JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?
RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.
JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.
RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch.